as usual my feelings and my trust have been misplaced, but it's all good.  i just go with the flow and i'm feeling okay now.  i don't do regrets so i'm just moving on.

i hope anyone reading this had a happy new year celebration... i spent mine with family, playing board games.  pretty uneventful.

not much else happening.  the second writers' group was last friday... my friend gentry and her friend boyd and i met for a few hours and read and talked... it was good.  and i'm still writing like mad so i am sure i won't run out of material for the group.

since not a whole lot else is going on... i guess i'll share some of my more recent stuff.

not as beautiful

healing through shedding

    blood and clots of myself

    tears saltier than the sea

    and another layer of trust

each layer peels back to reveal

    another tougher than the one before

    a skin of doubt and cynicism

    each thicker than the last

spirit won't break but it's scabby now

    trying to get over it

    forget the tears and the

    loss of trust and innocence

with each heartache and misery

    see the soul heal wholer

    than it was when it was tender

    but not half as beautiful.

                                                            (written 12/28/06)

because i wanted you

i felt something the very first time

you closed your eyes and your lips touched mine

in darkest night exchanging heat

our two hearts sounding just one beat

superficial maybe at the start

but then i let you into my heart

 

in moments stolen of time you lied

such sweetness to keep me at your side

and i believed because i wanted you

i wanted the illusion to be true

 

your hands in my hair, mine very still

my eyes locked on yours trying to will

your heart to feel what was in mine

longing to cease movement of time

i believed your words and every touch

i could have loved you so very much

 

in moments stolen of time you lied

such sweetness to keep me at your side

and i believed because i wanted you

i wanted the illusion to be true

 

your kisses made me feel so wanted

their memory now leaves me haunted

and i recall each word you said

lying together on your bed

i thought you were special for a time

i sought to make you want to be mine

 

in moments stolen of time you lied

such sweetness to keep me at your side

and i believed because i wanted you

i wanted the illusion to be true

 

i hurts to know it was just a game

time wasted thinking you felt the same

if my heart break could make you cry

i would reveal it with goodbye

but since you have no feelings at all

you'll not see the tears you caused to fall

 

in moments stolen of time you lied

such sweetness to keep me at your side

and i believed because i wanted you

i wanted the illusion to be true

 

i foolishly allowed myself to trust

with lies you turned blind believing to dust.

                                                                (written 12/29/06)

weep awhile

still a little dulled today

spirit mirrored by a sky so gray

listlessness settles upon my shoulder

and suddenly i'm feeling tired and older

just recently soul and flesh were afire

burning up with mad desire

but now the fire's cooled to freezing

and i'm so cold i'm shivering

somehow yet it will all be fine

i'm just borrowing heartache, it's not really mine

i'll weep in anger and hurt for awhile

maybe tomorrow will bring a reason to smile.

                                                                      (written 12/29/06)

it wasn't love (i just misunderstood)

with good intentions the road to hell is paved

maybe you lied to spare me pain

i don't know whether i'll ever know

or whether i'll see you again

because what's happened feels like hell

and your heart is already taken

i can't believe a word you said

and it wasn't love we were making

 

no it wasn't love but it sure felt good

it wasn't love, i just misunderstood

and it's crazy and so unwise

but i'd overlook your pack of lies

to just go back to the way we were

before i ever knew about her

 

with looks of longing and a sweet embrace

you lured me to your side

your kisses were sweeter than any i've known

the entire time you lied

and it's sad to know i would

stifle my hurt and run back again

for awhile it felt so nice

though it wasn't love we were making

 

no it wasn't love but it sure felt good

it wasn't love, i just misunderstood

and it's crazy and so unwise

but i'd overlook your pack of lies

to just go back to the way we were

before i ever knew about her

 

i'm not waiting for the phone to ring

but if you call and want me i'll go

because you still have a piece of me

and i'm not ready to tell you no

although what has happened feels like hell

and your heart is already taken

and i can't believe a word you said

and it wasn't love we were making

 

no it wasn't love but it sure felt good

it wasn't love, i just misunderstood

and it's crazy and so unwise

but i'd overlook your pack of lies

to just go back to the way we were

before i ever knew about her

                                                               (written 12/30/06)

new year's eve heartache

alone in the rain on new year's eve

smoking my last cigarette

my mind tells my heart not to care where you are

and i don't mind that i'm getting wet

i'm trying hard to stop thinking

but my thoughts keep drifting to you

i need some help on this lonely night

help to think about something new

now i tell my mind to stop

and beg my heart to cease what it feels

my soul is tired, my spirit weak

i hope this hurt soon heals.

                                                          (written 12/31/06)

i guess that's all i have that is remotely worth sharing at the moment.  again, happy new year.

can't kiss

my tears are your punishment

for a crime you didn't commit

their salt burns my open wound

i hurt more than i will admit

and you're not sure what to do

i don't really know what to tell you

maybe you should know a bit about me

you can't be sweet and gentle and we can't kiss

because i'm trying to avoid feeling

and when you touch me i think of one i miss

i'm trying so hard to be tough

forget gentle hands and just be rough

and when we're done don't look at me

don't believe my tears are for you

you haven't hurt me but i've hurt myself

by believing in someone untrue.

*******************************************************

trying to play

it's just a game, it's just a game,

but it's not fair to play this way,

i can't be stuck in the middle or on the outside,

won't give my heart to one who's lied -

trying hard to play again,

even though i may never win

this foolish game with all the pain,

enough to drive a girl insane.

i wonder sometimes why i try,

wonder if it's worth the tears i cry,

but i won't quit, i'm still in,

trying to play at love again.

*****************************************************

unshared splendor

yesterday dusk was teal

(dark like a storm

but air mild

    especially for december)

  at that moment when

  darkness begins to settle

        like a quilt

over earth

        (and before stars glitter)

i almost called you

to share the wonder of the beauty

    -had almost dialed your number

     when i recalled

        you have forgotten me

(so i enjoyed the splendor alone)

******************************************************

dulled

association with a dirty life

how quickly it stole my shine

i fought tears unsuccessfully yesterday

and that old, cold numbness is my enemy today

i don't know how but i won't let it win

somehow i'll find a way to shine again.

does a heart heal whole after it's been broken?

and can a lonely heart forget promises unspoken?

i suppose i may never know

but i'm getting good at this letting go.

***************************************************

some choices

i look around myself and see

a world of opportunity

i can either choose to sit back

and try to simply ignore that fact

or take a stand and decide to try

regardless of the tears i'll cry

 

i understand the restlessness

that makes you long for what you might miss

all too often that feeling's so strong

i can find nowhere to belong

no place eases the painful desire

to live faster and fly much higher

 

i look inside myself and know

my tattered soul has room to grow

each experience, for better or worse

helps set the heart a particular course

every gift i receive and every gift i give

is the risk i embrace in order to live.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now, I must get some sleep before it's time to get up for church!!