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8/18/2006 My 101: 16#16: I am a lenient parent, and not a good disciplinarian.
I don't think this one needs much explanation... I will say, I am pretty lenient most of the time - there are things in this life that I just don't think are important (like "clean your plate" or "don't get dirty") so I don't fuss about those. This bothers some people...
The disciplinarian part is a bit more touchy for me... I grew up in a home where much of the discipline was screaming/yelling, so I do sometimes tend to fall into that ~ instead of finding an appropriate disciplinary action for something Junior's done, I sometimes wind up just yelling at her (and then, when I'm through, feeling about 2 inches tall for the rest of the day). I'm working on this in my therapy too, along with all my other crazies.
Okay, now I'm off to bed for real. Ni-ni. 7/31/2006 My 101:15#15: I was not officially allowed to date until I was 16.
This meant my first boyfriend, when I was 13, was a big hushed-up secret at home, which was not an easy task because he lived next door.
I have a hard time remembering my first official date, after I turned 16... but I think it was a date with that first "love" - a night at the county fair. My memories of that date are really vague, though, so I'm not even going to attempt to recount them! I'm sure we had a good time, I always enjoyed the fair when I was young, with all the lights and smells and sounds.
 Do you remember your first date? 7/15/2006 My 101: 14#14: My first boyfriend was a next-door neighbor when I was 13.
His name was David (no, not the same Dave I dated in & after High School), and he had deep brown eyes and curly, dark brown hair. He was three or four years older than I & my little sister had a crush on him, as well. We lived in the country and there was never much to do at home, so I spent a lot of time outdoors. I was pretty childish still at the age of 13; my brother, sister, and I would play games like tag with the neighbors (David and his two sisters). We rode bikes down the road to the church on the corner, where there was a playground, to use the swings and climb on the monkey bars. I was awkward, like most girls that age... caught between child and woman.
David was troubled. His home life was not great, and though mine never was too wonderful either, I always felt close to my mom and siblings, so at the time I didn't realize my home life was not great, either. Anywho, I think the biggest attractions to David were his availability and his close proximity. I was all full of romantic thoughts and wild hormones... and David was there. He gave me my first kiss and was the first member of the opposite sex to flatter me with sweet-talk and promises. I don't remember much of that "relationship" except the feelings. I felt very deeply that summer. I knew by the end of the summer that it wasn't True Love or anything like that, but it was my First Love and that is something.
To this day, on warm summer evenings when the lightning bugs illuminate the lawn and a soft breeze moves across my skin, I am reminded of that first love, those feelings and that newness. These days, it's almost enough to make me cry. Silly? I suppose.
I have said before and will again that I am happy on my own... but I will not lie and say that sometimes, though I'm happy, I still get lonely. It's at these times that I am thankful for memories and at the same time wishful that I had none!
Okay, enough rambling from me... I'm tired, time for bed. Good night & God bless, all! Have a lovely weekend! 6/27/2006 My 101: 13#13: I had a nervous breakdown when I was 24 years old.
Could I have chosen more depressing, "downer" facts about myself? Unlikely. This is another I considered deleting and replacing with something more mundane... like my severe allergic reaction to poison sumac or some such... but since I've begun it I may as well follow through.
I have to clarify a bit on this one, I am not so sure it was a nervous breakdown. I had been in a committed relationship with the same person since I was 17 years old by the time I was 24, and I had been through counseling to work through the issue of abuse, the post-traumatic stress disorder, the acute anxiety, and all my other problems. At 24, though, I began drinking fairly heavily (weekends only, though, I tried to be responsible), and I began dreaming of life on my own. Actually, that dream probably started shortly after I began therapy, so I'd been dreaming of being on my own for awhile.
Where was I at that point in my life? It's really hard to remember... I lived with one man but thought myself in love with another (a pen-pal from a journalism workshop I had attended in High School who lived far away and whom I pretty much idolized for years). And I was becoming really restless. I wanted out of my current relationship, even if not to pursue the guy I thought I was in love with... so I began partying with friends on the weekends & soon I had cheated on my boyfriend at the time (this still shames me and is something that never came up when I finally did leave him. I didn't want to hurt him anymore than I already was hurting him by leaving, and I don't think he ever knew I was not faithful to him the entire time we were together). Now, let me say that the boyfriend had accused me of cheating on him the entire time we were together, even though up until this point I had never even considered it, and I don't think he really believed it; it was what he expected from observing his parents' marriage. Anyway, it was a bad time; I did bad things for which I thank God there is forgivenss. The boyfriend thought I was out of control and talked me into seeking in-patient treatment for it, so I went in-patient on a psych ward for a weekend and had two weeks of dual-diagnosis (for substance abusers with mental illness diagnoses), anger management, and other group sessions.
To be honest, I didn't mind the time I was in- or out-patient for this intensive therapy. It was a nice break from reality, and helped me to figure out why I'd been engaging in some reckless and potentially dangerous behaviors. The only thing that bothered me about the whole incident was that the boyfriend assumed all the problems were MINE and that he was perfectly fine. For a few months after I was out of the program, the boyfriend treated me like I was made of glass, which infuriated me. I don't even know how to describe how things were then. It was such a weird, distorted way to live. The doctor at the psych unit had diagnosed me as bipolar (I don't agree; I think my general anxiety which I do acknowledge creates some of the same symptoms as bipolar disorder). I was on meds for awhile & sure those are wonderful ~ I slept like a baby, I was never sad, never too happy, never turned on, never angry; I just was. I didn't care for the feeling (or rather, unfeeling), which is part of the reason that this time 'round I do not plan to take any drugs to alter my moods/behaviors. It wasn't long after my stay at the hospital when I left Dave (I had one false-leave... signed all the papers & paid to move into my own apartment, only to allow myself to be guilted into staying by his tears)... I wasn't doing so well at the time I actually left him, either... I was still drinking too much and smoking and generally being very naughty. But I was still very, very happy to finally be free.
In other news... not much happening in my current life. Tomorrow I open the office, so I have to leave half an hour early. Thursday afternoon I have jury duty (if it isn't settled outside of court before then, which I'm hoping it is). I took all of Thursday and Friday off, so I'm looking forward to some time spent at home, just me & Junior. I think I will probably not even answer the door this weekend, should someone knock. I just need a quiet at-home and all alone weekend to refresh.
I hope everyone is well and good. Take care & God bless ~ Good night. 6/24/2006 My 101: 12#12: I am a survivor of abuse.
I'm a little nervous, I must admit, about this one. I will not be too specific here.
I was abused as a child and then again as a young adult, by different people and in different ways. I do not know for sure, but believe this could be the source of my anxiety. I have been through counseling to work through the anger / sadness / shame / guilt / fear that comes from being a victim of abuse & since working through those things many years ago (in my early 20s), I no longer re-live the past. I can remember things without being somehow transported back to that time, that place, those feelings. However, I do still have anxiety, a general feeling of unease... most of the time. I don't trust easily. These truths are just part of who I am.
I do want to point out that I am a SURVIVOR of abuse, not a victim of abuse. I have chosen my path and while it's sometimes more difficult to face down those demons, it is well worth one's while to get over the pain of abuse and go on with living life.
No, I may not be just like or think or act just like a person who was never abused, but I am living life fully and taking responsibility for myself and my life and not hiding behind the abuse and the role of victim. That just isn't for me. (Please note that, of course, I was once of that victim mentality... which is why I went to therapy... and why I stayed so long in an abusive relationship as a young woman... and I understand it's a hard mentality from which to break free, so I am not passing judgement on anyone, I only know that living life as a victim just isn't an option for me anymore).
My recent anxiety, I believe, stems from the fact that my child is near the same age I was when the abuse which proved most damaging to me as a person occurred. I watch over my little one carefully, I love Junior so very much... and I cannot fathom how anyone could hurt someone so little...
This is still a tough subject for me and now I'm exhausted. Good night & God bless, I hope everyone has a nice weekend.
6/25/06 12:42 AM
Thank you to everyone for the encouragement. This was a very difficult subject and to be honest, I almost deleted this from my 101 last night, to replace with an easier subject. I was very hesitant not only because this is tough for me to write/talk about, but also because I felt it might fall under the category "T.M.I." and I wasn't sure how to even bring up the subject. So truly, I appreciate all the kind words and prayers. 6/20/2006 My 101: 11#11: My best friends are Wendy, Carrie, Amy, and Crissy (in no particular order).
John 15:12
I command you to love each other in the same way that I love you.
Friendship is love.
Wendy is my li'l sis ~ we've had our ups and downs and don't always agree (and sometimes we even fight... but we usually get over it) ~ but she's more than just my sister. It sounds corny, I know, but she is also my friend. When we're both our normal, happy, relatively outgoing selves (and one or both of us is not in "a funk"), we have lots of fun together.
My sister has also been forgiving of me; when I moved out of my parents' home, I did not say goodbye to anyone & never realized until years later how this hurt everyone ~ I was only thinking of me back then. And because I was in a bad place emotionally and spiritually, with a controlling and obsessive boyfriend (Dave), I missed out on the birth of her firstborn; this hurt her & yet she forgave me.
Wendy is clever, witty, intelligent, beautiful, enthusiastic, and insightful. I feel blessed that she is my sister!
Carrie and I met when we were 11 years old; my family had just moved & I was in a new school with no friends. I don't know how we first became friends (memory problems... I can only imagine how I'll be when I get older!!) ~ except that we talked and dreamed together at recess and soon were attached at the hip. On weekends and during the summer, we spent loads of time at one another's house. Her mom was my Mommy, Jr., and the only one of my friends' mom's to ever ground me (but thankfully without telling my mom why I got into trouble in the first place... I think).
Carrie and I shared our hopes and dreams when we were still too young to drive... and double-dates after we started driving... after High School, she moved to New York to be a nanny & I moved in with Dave & we lost touch for quite awhile (and I feared I had lost the one, most true friend of my life at that time ~ and missed her so much). My biggest regret in our friendship is that I allowed a relationship with a man come between us, for a time, and that I missed her wedding. I am so thankful that Carrie forgave me for that.
I was afraid our friendship would never be the same... but Carrie was the one who came with me to the home Dave and I had shared, almost seven years after High School graduation, to help me pack my things and move out.
She was my birthing coach who never got to coach me through the delivery of my child because of circumstance (Junior was delivered by emergency C-section about two months prematurely), but did hold my hand and help me breathe normally when the nurse poked and prodded me after I was admitted to the hospital before Junior's birth.
We don't get to spend as much time together as I would like, but we share so many memories and a very strong bond ~ I know I can always count on her & I hope she knows she can always count on me, too. I pray for Meaghan that one day she'll have a friend like Carrie, a forever friend.
Carrie is warm, honest, generous, forgiving, beautiful, and strong ~ I am honored to be counted among her friends. I praise God for the years we've shared as friends!
Amy and I met while working at an insurance company. I was, at the time, still living with Dave but on the verge of leaving. Amy was encouragement to me not only at work (she was my mentor on-the-job) but outside the office as well. She took me under her wing and helped me gain new perspective on myself and my life. With Christian love, she helped me see myself as worthy of more than the near-abuse of my situation of that time. I think, without her continuous support at that time in my life, I may still be back there ~ a mousy girl stuck in an unhappy relationship and blaming everyone else for the problems in her life. Because of Amy's love and encouragement, I now know where my strength comes from (Christ) and I know that while I'm not perfect, I'm not a doormat, either.
Amy is a very insightful, loving, nurturing, spiritual woman & I know God placed her in my life for a reason. I am blessed to know her!
Crissy and I met at my current job. She is a lot like me (but a much better housekeeper and cook), and I just really like her. We talk a lot at work and often outside of work ~ about the job, her son & my daughter, gas prices... whatever... We both like to talk a lot, so we always find something to say.
Crissy has an awesome relationship with her son & was a single mom for years. It encourages me when I see her with her son & I can only hope I am as good a mom as she. I really respect her as a strong woman and a good mother.
These past few years, I've felt a bit reserved and I think maybe I've even avoided friends (not spending time with my longtime friends, and going out of my way to not make any new friends), yet somehow I've managed to find friendship with Crissy - despite my resistance.
Crissy is very expressive, generous, warm-hearted, communicative, and nurturing. She is a blessing in my life, though we've known each other only for a couple of years.
I thank God continuously for the friendships with which I've been blessed. I may not be the most "popular" person in the world, with dozens of friends... there are other people in my life with whom I have a good relationship - family, acquaintances from work, church, etc. - but to me, it is important that I have and maintain a few very special friendships. I pray that as the years pass, Wendy, Carrie, Amy, and Crissy will remain in my life; and that they each know how much I admire, respect, and love them. 6/16/2006 My 101: 10#10: I'm very emotional and I cry easily.
As a child, I was what my grandmother called "tender-hearted" ~ and I still am. Sad movies make me cry... sometimes sad songs on the radio make me pull my car onto the side of the road. I feel very deeply; I always have ~ I love deeply when I love, my pain is deep when I hurt; sometimes I feel there is a bottomless hollow below my heart where all the emotions I try to hold within churn and burn, a space that feels hungry and empty but full at the same time. When I'm sad, it is this spot that aches; when I'm infatuated with someone, this is where I feel the butterflies.
Somehow, since the birth of my daughter over four years ago, I am even more emotional. There are even television commercials that make me cry (I can't name any off the top of my head... usually it's those sappy Hallmark commercials, I suppose). I believe this over-emotional state in which I constantly live is what causes me to sometimes become "fed up" with whiny people ~ no one seems to understand how deeply I feel, even sometimes the pain of others; when I listen to people complain, especially people whose problems are so real and hard that they definitely deserve to complain, I sort of have to shut down or I'd be a blubbering mess. I hate others' pain. I also feel injustice very deeply and when I am angry, I cry.
Now, I'm not saying I cry every day, but I do cry often, and for many reasons. Sometimes the crying only makes me feel worse, but usually it is cathartic. When you feel everything so deeply, it's important, I think to express it physically (there are times when I have felt completely apathetic & those times usually happen when I don't allow myself to express the feelings I'm holding).
I guess you could just say I'm a sensitive girl. My 101: 9#9: I like to change my hairstyle often
I don't really do this often, anymore (pretty much since Junior's been on the scene), but in theory I still like it... Pre-child, I changed my hair very frequently. The season would change ~ my hair color (at least the color, if not the style) would change right along with it. This especially held true for early summer (which usually found me seeking nearly white blondeness, often on little hair, as I had a tendency to keep my hair to almost a spiky short length in warm weather) and autumn (when the leaves change color... well, what more inspiration does a girl need?)...
As I said, I don't do this often now, because it seems I'm always short on cash & I'm not much of a do-it-yourself-er (at least for cuts; I've been dying my own hair since I was about 11 years old - though it's been a couple of years now since the last dye-job & the white hairs are beginning to take over!) - anywho... the lack of cash means my hair gets minimal attention. I cannot stand cheap hair products and cannot afford good stuff, so I wash it, towel dry it, comb it, and go. A haircut these days is basically a trim to hack off the split ends every 3-4 months. I like to tell people, "I'm growing it out," and that seems to work :) Oh, oh, I did get a haircut awhile back & I like it, but it's really the first in quite awhile & probably the last for awhile...
My hair's past: age 11 - first dye (light blonde... natural color is dark blonde with some reddish tint)...
also age 11 - due to some terrible stuff that was happening and I was trying to avoid, I went through a "dress like a boy" stage, and had a -gasp- MULLET with a twist - long light blonde bangs that covered half my face (the rest of my hair was my natural dark blonde)...
junior high (13-14) MILE-HIGH bangs in one school photo & some sort of cobra-inspired 'do in another...
high school - started off with sort of longish hair, feathered a bit on the sides, and longish bangs... at one point in high school I had a pretty, wild perm; my hair was longish & the perm lasted only a very little while ~ and only lasted as long as it did because I didn't brush it but carefully combed through it with just my fingers (this was my favorite high school hairdo; I wish I had a picture)...
post-high school - don't remember much, the REAL WORLD was causing me some anxiety!!! Mid-twenties - I think I changed my hair most in these years... from very short to a cute bob to a too-tight perm, and from purple to red to blonde to brown... And... I've already given the scoop on my current hair situation, so I guess that's about all there is to say on this subject! 6/15/2006 My 101: 8#8: I am an Aunt.
My niece, Alyssa, is the oldest child to whom I'm Aunt Karen (she's nine, daughter of my younger sister, Wendy). Alyssa's sister, who will be four in July, is Natalie. My sister, Melissa (on my biological father's side of the family), has one daughter, Elizabeth, who is two (I think). Of course, everyone knows about the latest addition to my family - my little niece, Serenity, born to my brother, Richard, and his girlfriend, Melissa (by the way, they were released from the hospital today & both baby & Mom are doing very well).
I truly love being Aunt Karen! Alyssa is the reason I decided I one day wanted to be a mother & I had lots of time and opportunity to shower her love and attention (and spoil her with gifts) when she was very young. She spent a lot of time at my home and enchanted me! Spending all that time with her really is what changed my mind about kids (I had always said I never wanted children). I'm so glad I did change my mind, I feel blessed to have all these children in my life (my nieces as well as my child).
Onto other news in my life... this week has been draining with all the running. My Aunt Sandy's memorial service left me feeling contemplative. The woman lived 48 years and few people had anything nice to say about her. I can't say I was close to her - or even that I knew her very well - but I know that throughout her life, which was a hard one, she always had a ready smile.
Thinking about her passing and the fact that few seemed to know her well enough to eulogize her, I wonder, if I were to go home to the Lord tomorrow - how would I be remembered? I would like to think that those who don't know me well would remember that I had a smile or a kind word for them... and that those who do know me would be able to remember at least one time when I helped them.
It is time for me to return to the path laid for me by my Savior, a path of service. How others remember me isn't really all that important... only now I fear that I've been so self-centered for so long that others would only remember me thinking of ... me. That is not what I want to leave behind when I go!
I don't know if that all made sense... it did to me, but I'm very tired and just feeling a bit off lately...
...speaking of which, my first therapy session was today. This appointment was just my initial assessment and goal-setting, but it went well. I have been through the therapy thing before and this time around I know what I want to achieve - I want to learn how to cope, how to manage the stress in my life more effectively. My goal is to remain med-free in this process and I've told my therapist; I think it's possible.
Now, I must get to bed, I'm exhausted. Too much time driving and too much stress this week, my body needs rest as does my overworked and overworried brain. One of these days I'll return to the blogwalk!
God bless & have a good remainder of the week. 6/9/2006 My 101: 7#7: I have one stepsister.
My stepsister is ten years younger than I and marrying in July. My mother has been with my current stepfather since Leslie was around 13 years old (I think) and she's 20 now. She is a hard-working girl, with a full-time job and full-time school.
She's a nice enough person, but my mom's husband didn't play a large role in her upbringing, so I don't see her very often & don't really know her very well (though I suppose I know her better than my biological father's daughters). We are not particularly close, which I suppose stands to reason when you consider the age difference and the physical distance between us (she lives about an hour away). 6/8/2006 My 101: 6#6: I have very blue eyes.
It is interesting that I have blue eyes, because my mom has hazel (between brown, green, and amber-colored) eyes, and my father has brown eyes. Neither of my parents could deny I'm theirs though, I look so much like both of them - other than the eye color (and also my skin tone, which is much more fair than either of my parents).
Also... I do not particularly like blue eyes. I mean, I guess there's nothing wrong with them, but I have always wished mine were brown or green. One of my favorite songs was always "Brown-Eyed Girl" and well, of course that didn't fit me!
I have come to accept my eye color, as with most things about myself that I don't like so much! I wear glasses, so it would be easy to switch to contact lenses & if I really wanted a different eye color, that would be easy enough... but I suppose at this point in my life, I'm content with what God gave me  6/6/2006 My 101: 5#5: I am a poet.
I have posted a few of my poems on my space, but I have binders full of poetry (most of it not very good, but I'm sure that among them are a few decent pieces). I started writing poetry when I was nine years old, and wrote regularly from the time I was about eleven years old until I was eighteen. After that, the writing was much more sporadic. I rarely write anymore.
I began writing poetry almost accidentally. I've always loved words and writing and reading and singing, and I went through several deep depressions in my childhood during which I would write and write and write and just pour my heart out onto the paper. I felt comforted by the words and comfortable with them, and in my tween years I often felt that words were my only true friends. Maybe that sounds silly, but I can to this day remember feeling that way... and maybe part of me still feels that way sometimes.
Now one of these days I'll search through my old poetry (on which I've always written the date, so I know when each poem was written ~ and many also have dedications) and will post some of them.
Oh, and I've never been published & it isn't likely that I ever will be, but I truly believe that to be a poet or a writer, one need not be published ~ one must simply WRITE!! My 101: 4#4 - I am a single mother of one child.
Now, obviously my 101 list is not in order of importance!
 First on that list would've been my Christian faith & second this, that I am a (single) mom. But alas, I am not that organized so this list is completely random!Anyone who knows me, and anyone who has ever visited my space, already knows this fact: I am a single mom, I have one beautiful child, Meaghan, who turned four in March. Most also know that she was born about two months premature in 2002 and had some health issues due to that but is now an active and healthy little girl.
Not to mention hilarious... I'll leave off with this (I tell you, my girl is my joy, she makes me laugh every day):
Yesterday, Junior saw me shaving my legs & asked what I was doing. I told her I was shaving my legs. Her response? "Why? It'll just grow back."
Who can argue with that logic? 6/1/2006 My 101: 3#3. I am a Christian, and regularly attend a Baptist Church.
I was a believer as a child and spent a good part of my teens and twenties in a very wrong lifestyle; I returned to the faith when I discovered I was pregnant with Junior. Now, I know that no matter what comes my way, I have a Father who will take care of me (and forgive me and continue to love me, even when I mess up)! This is so exciting to me
 Now... it was a very long day... God bless & good night! 5/30/2006 My 101: #2
My 101: #11. I am the oldest of 5 children; two sisters raised by my father, and a sister and brother raised by my mother.
My mother and father never married; my mom had just turned 20 when she became pregnant and my biological father wanted her to have an abortion. She declined.
I was born on July 26, 1975, and lived with my single mom and her mother. I bear her maiden name.
In March of 1976, my mom married my stepfather, whom I still refer to as my dad (because he raised me and I didn't meet my biological father until I was older).
Together, my mom and "dad" have two children; my brother was born in 1976 and my sister in 1978. My parents divorced when all the children had graduated from High School & my mother remarried my current stepfather, who has one daughter (not yet 21 years old).
My biological father and his wife have two daughters; one is about the same age as my brother and the other is a few years younger (I'm not really sure what her age is). Sadly, I don't know them very well, though they seem to be very nice and intelligent women & I hope one day to establish and maintain some sort of relationship with them.
And that's all there is to know about #1 of 101  |
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