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12/19/2008 MeaghanThere are times I feel I must be the worst mother ever. Most times, actually... I so often feel I must be doing nothing right with her. The tantrums she throws remind me of a person possessed... she is often so angry and says such hurtful things. Why does a six-year-old behave that way? She complains that I don't buy her enough stuff or give her money... while I bust my butt trying to provide for her... and I know it does no good to try reasoning with a child, but sometimes I lose my presence of mind that tells me not to bother, and try explaining things to her... usually that ends in her telling me she hates me, or accusing me of not loving her.
Someone, please tell me this is just a phase.
It is so close to Christmas and only through the generosity of some very sweet people do I have a gift from Santa for my little "angel(?)" - and at this point I am wondering whether I should even give it to her!!
I hope you are all having a wonderful winter so far, keeping warm and safe.
Merry Christmas all. 7/5/2006 July 5thMy Gramma Ketchie McGlamery died when I was fifteen, on July 5th. She was an anchor to me throughout my childhood. I am missing her tonight.
Gramma was my angel on earth, the one person whose love just was. She loved me as I was, the good, the bad & the ugly. When I was young, she offered me her lap when my mother's was full (which was pretty much always, since I'm the oldest child). She was a refuge, a safe haven, when my parents would fight violently and bitterly.
Gramma's house was my second home, and I remember often wishing it were home. She lived in just an old, run-down single-wide trailer, with two of my uncles and an smelly, fat brown mutt. The television was always on during the day right up until she went to bed at night, and her chair sat at the opposite end of the tiny living room, facing the t.v. so she could watch her "programs." When I would cry at a sad part in a show or movie, she would affectionately call me tender and remind me it was just a movie.
Gramma dipped snuff and spat in a tin can. She made the best meatloaf and the worst fried eggs. She gave birth to 13 children in her lifetime (my mother being the youngest), some of whom she buried right after their births, some as infants, and some as adults.
I was my Gramma's favorite grandchild, almost more like her 14th child. She did not hesitate to discipline me when necessary, but it wasn't necessary often because I just loved her and found it easy to behave myself when I was with her.
Gramma's house always had a musty smell, sort of a wet dog smell from Chocolate Drop, who belonged to one of my uncles & who was never called by her name. No, she was just "Dog." My uncle never bathed that dog as far as I can remember.
Gramma was from Virginia and lived most of her life in Kentucky, so she had a Southern accent. It saddens me that I can no longer remember the sound of her voice.
Late in the evening on the 4th of July, Gramma went into a coma. We had brought her home to live out her final days where she wished, and between her children and grandchildren, we cared for her until her death.
When she died on July 5th, I was with her, along with other family members. We joined hands around her deathbed, where she lay with her white hair in braids, looking so youthful. We prayed and I don't remember the words to that prayer, only the feeling that I was losing the most special person in my life, but that it was okay because her pain would end with her death... she passed away as we prayed.
I miss my grandmother every day & sometimes I see a glimpse of her in my daughter's eyes, when she is clowning around and joking, and when she for no apparent reason says, "Momma, I love you."
I am so blessed to have known her and to have been loved by her... she was a hero to me.
Please take a moment sometime today to let someone you love know it. I know I often took my grandmother for granted, especially during my tween years... and I know I'm guilty even now of taking people for granted. I think we sometimes all need a reminder to show our love and appreciation for others.
May God keep & richly bless you this day. 6/16/2006 Brother's RequestThe photo in the current photo album* will be the only one of Serenity Sue on this space, as my brother has requested I not have any pictures of his child posted here. Because of his request, the photo is intentionally blurred. And you'll just have to take my word for it that she's very adorable and precious!!
*Has been removed  6/13/2006 Serenity SueSerenity Sue was born at 10:42 p.m. on Monday, June 12, 2006, and it happened rather quickly once hard labor began. Aunt Karen wasn't there
 because Junior decided to throw a long and loud tantrum to get us thrown out of the maternity ward (we left just over an hour before Serenity was born). Ah well, such is life I suppose.Mom and baby are both fine. Serenity weighed in at 6 pounds 7 ounces and is 18 inches (plus a little but I can't remember if its 1/4, 1/2, or 3/4 of an inch). Mom had my camera with her so at least I got to see the pictures of her, she's definitely adorable!
Now, I must head out for my aunt's funeral. Take care & God bless, all. Thank you for your prayers and well-wishes!! 6/12/2006 No Baby Yet...Melissa was admitted to the hospital at around 7:30 p.m. Sunday, and medication has been given by way of IV to help prepare her for labor, but the medicine that will actually induce the labor won't be given until morning. Since I have to take part of Tuesday off for my aunt's funeral, I will be unable to be present for the birth of my third niece
 This bums me out, because my sister will be out-of-state for school, my mom will have kids at her house and will be unable to go to the hospital, and I am not sure whether Melissa's family will be there or not. I do know my brother, Richard, will be there with her, but I do so wish I could go to provide some support too. I only pray all goes well. Melissa is pretty scared and tense. I never went through labor (because my health was declining too rapidly to wait & I had to have an emergency C-section with Meaghan) but I remember when I was first admitted to the hospital, how scared I was & I don't know what I'd have done if it hadn't been for the friends and family who were there to support me. I hope Melissa knows that even though I'll be unable to be there physically, my thoughts & prayers will be with her & the baby!By the way, it did take considerable deliberation on my part as to which event I miss work for - Serenity's birth or Sandy's funeral - but I think my grandma needs the support even more now than Melissa does.
Have a wonderful week - take care & God bless!! 6/11/2006 This WeekendMy brother's girlfriend, Melissa, is supposed to go into the hospital this evening to have labor induced. The doctor opted to have her wait until today rather than inducing on Friday, since the baby seems to be doing fine now.
Meaghan and I spent the entire afternoon yesterday with my friend, Carrie (with whom I've been friends since we were 11 years old) and her twins, who are seven months younger than Meaghan. It was the most relaxing and refreshing day I've had in ages, and the kids really seemed to enjoy themselves too.
I tried unsuccessfully to locate a counselor locally on Friday, so I will probably be seeing one of the therapists at work temporarily. I'll just have to see how that goes. My only concern with that was the professional relationship, but I know others have done this and had no problems, so hopefully it will work for me too. I'm a bit afraid I'll have a harder time opening up, but I will be up-front about that and maybe it will help.
I guess that's about all. Hope everyone's having a great weekend. 6/9/2006 OverwhelmedI am feeling like a jerk tonight.
My aunt (sister to my stepfather who raised me) had a heart attack a couple of weeks ago. The prognosis at that time was very bleak. The doctors were not allowing children into her room, so we never went to visit her.
Her medical condition worsened and she passed away this evening. I never went to see her in the hospital, and though I could say this is why or that is why... well, those are not good excuses.
Please keep my grandmother in your prayers. She lost her youngest child when he was only 18 years old, and now her youngest remaining child is gone.
Oh... and I have decided that with all that's been happening & with the fact that I feel perpetually overwhelmed these past few months, I am going to seek counseling for awhile... I need this. I am taking a "mental health" day tomorrow to try and find someone and to spend some time trying to de-stress and unwind.
Oh yes, and even in the midst of sorrow -- Melissa has another OB appointment tomorrow & if the baby is still losing weight, they'll be inducing labor tomorrow (if not tomorrow then likely this will happen on Sunday). 6/4/2006 Time for Goodnight!The ride home was sleepy... the child and the dog both zonked, and the sun was bright in my eyes making it hard to keep them open... I am about to say goodnight, after I get the laundry in the dryer!
Mom seems to be feeling somewhat better. Oops, now I'm feeling like a twit. My mom wants Junior back at her house for daycare tomorrow & I totally forgot to call the fill-in sitter. Must remember to do that in the morning!!
Anywho, as I said Mom seems to be feeling a little better; it's only been a few days since she started taking some medications so they may take a few more days to kick in & then hopefully she'll be MUCH better. Like most of us, I think what is most needed by her is some really alone time, a break in the routine, some sort of vacation. Wouldn't that be nice!
I wish I didn't have to return to work already tomorrow. I didn't intend to be gone all weekend so the weekend feels like it should not be over. Plus I have a cat-bite from my niece's tiny kitten right on the end of my right middle finger & it is hurting to type, so tomorrow should be fun!! Oh well, it will keep me awake!
I hope the weekend was good for everyone. I am a bit burned because I forgot the sunblock Saturday, but it doesn't hurt and I might even get something resembling a faint tan this summer ~ that would be cool & very rare for me.
I posted a few of the photos from the weekend (one album for Saturday & one for Sunday). Will post more tomorrow or some other day in my More Photos section. None too good but they were fun to take. I need to do my niece's scrapbook this week so I can give it to her this weekend.
Speaking of scrapbooks, I'll be able to do one for my new niece's mom & dad soon, since the doctor plans to induce labor sometime this week or next. I'm so excited to meet the new person in the family!
Enough chattering from me. Good night all & God bless. Have a lovely week  Sunny SundayMy sister actually got home last night, but Junior and I spent another night and went to church with them this morning ~ it's a really nice church, the people seem very friendly, so I'm hoping my sister and the girls have found their new church home.
Yesterday was really lots of fun. We went to my niece's soccer game (they lost but played well), then had a quick lunch and then, lucky day, there was art in the park happening at the park near my sister's house. We walked around there, the girls got their faces painted, and then of course they had to play at the park too. I'll post some photos of the girls with their cute face paintings when I get home.
Today is my niece's last soccer game. My mom got out of the hospital Friday evening. She is coming to the game too. It should be fun but I'll have to rush home immediately following the game ~ I have to tackle at least a couple of piles of laundry so I'll have clothes for work tomorrow!
Have a blessed Sunday, all. 5/31/2006 ClarificationRegarding my last post, about my sister... she was in Iraq for a year and came home on Thanksgiving Day of 2005. She does not have orders yet to go back but some of her unit has already been re-deployed & it is rumored that the rest will be deployed again before the end of the year. 5/30/2006 Left Untreated...My mom is sick, in need of prayers; I won't get into detail though I really feel the need to vent ~ because this is her personal problem, not mine.
I scrambled to find alternate daycare, and fortunately Meaghan's previous daycare worker had an opening, so she'll be hanging with Sandy's gang for a couple of weeks or so. I think she's actually looking forward to it. The time with other kids will be good for her!
Work was rough today, it seems the stormy weather was affecting everyone's mood, so the people coming in for appointments with the psychiatrist were many of them a bit prickly. As were several of the callers today. I hate days like that, the tense mood... and on top of it, I was worried about Mom and her flat tone of voice and expressionless face. That face and that voice are sometimes my own and that frightens the hell out of me. It all makes me so sad.
The guys in the office were all about booze-chat today, somewhat juvenile in my opinion, but then I'm just a girl. I had a bit of an alcohol problem some years back and was quite a drinker at that time, and to listen to people talk about booze like it's a fascinating subject (especially when one of the most animated participants of the conversation is about 20 years beyond college-age) just seems ridiculous to me. Anywho.
There was some levity in the day, but that is a long story and I'm exhausted... time for bed.
I hope everyone had a great day... God bless ~  5/27/2006 Stuff ~n~ SuchMelissa had a doctor appointment yesterday & she and her unborn child (tentatively named Serenity Sue) are both losing weight, so the doc told her she will probably be induced within the next couple of weeks (if necessary, since she is still having contractions and may go naturally). So I'll be an aunt again sooner than expected :)
A cousin had her 8th baby yesterday (her oldest is 20 or 21 years old), a little girl she named Liberty. I hope to get over to see the new baby next weekend. Her kids are so adorable (the little ones anyway), and her older kids are just pretty cool people, ver much individuals. I always enjoy visiting with them.
I got a haircut yesterday. I took advantage of some Meaghan-free after-work time because Meaghan rode with her Gramma and Grampa to pick up her older cousin in Flushing. I have some pictures in an album. The hair is driving me nuts though... I like the way I can get it to flip in the back with little effort, but the hair on the front/sides is long enough to get into my eyes but too short to tuck behind my ear... I was so tempted to get bangs again but I haven't had bangs in years and the lady at the salon didn't think they were a good idea. She said headbands are popular right now (I hate the things, I'd rather use clips ~ my hair is fine so barrettes don't work)... so anywho, I may have to wander out today and pick up a headband or two just to keep the pesky hair out of my face.
I am recently tired all the time. More than usual. And feeling just ick... argumentative but listless... not sad but not happy either. Being in the sunshine helps a bit but it doesn't last. More than likely I need medication again, maybe not forever but for now. Unfortunately the cost of medication is prohibitive so I'll go without. I'll just pretend I'm happy... I'm pretty good at it most of the time. (I keep seeming to slip up and this world just seems to have hold of me... I'm praying continuously when I'm not deep into thoughts and feelings that tempt me away from that constant conversation... I've asked for prayer of a couple of people but one of them I think will just continue in judgement of me instead... ah well)...
Okay, I'm off now... was going to stay home and do some stuff, but my sister's going to a cook-out at a friend's & my mom said something about her friend wanting to meet some of Wendy's family (and Meaghan so wants to go)... so I think we're going to go with her.
God bless & have a happy & safe weekend. Current Mood:  apathetic5/17/2006 I Asked Martha...Original Message Follows:
------------------------From: Karen M.
Subject: More than Rude Baby Shower Guest
My mother, sister, and I recently hosted a baby
shower for an unwed expectant mother, my brother's
girlfriend. A guest at the shower came into the home
in an obviously bad mood and criticized everything
from the moment she entered. She is a cousin, and is
often rude and opinionated at family gatherings, but
this shower was not a family gathering, and the
comments this woman made went beyond just rude.
I feel like this woman crossed a line with some of her
comments, especially some very judgemental remarks
about having children outside of marriage and some
comments about one of the hosts' sex life.
I want to confront my cousin, but I'm not sure how to do
so tactfully. I do not want lower myself to her level by
simply telling her off, but I think she needs to be told
that her behavior was offensive and uncalled-for; I
think she may honestly believe that she behaved
herself just fine.
Can you offer any advice?
THE RESPONSE
Hello,
The time to have said something has passed.
Something should have been said at the time of
the incident. You are more than likely correct. Being
that she was not corrected (scolded), she probably
feels that her behavior was exceptional. At this point,
there is nothing to be said. It's pretty much "...speak
now, or forever hold your peace". If this kind of
behavior is expected of her during family gatherings,
events including a mixed crowd will not make her
subdue her actions. This was a special event to
celebrate a new life. This was to be a happy occassion,
not one filled with hate and criticism. This type of
behavior is unacceptable.
For future, to make a desion in inviting such guests,
we do suggest either thinking twice about making her
a guest at family functions and other gathers, or
"nipping it in the bud" once out of control behavior
like this starts.
Best Wishes,
MSLO Customer Relationsmarthastewart.com
mstewart@marthastewart.com 5/14/2006 Off to Bed...Just wanted to take a moment to apologize for my whiny-ness in my last entry ... re-reading it irritated even me. Thank you to those of you who responded with encouragement, however; I do appreciate that. I was mostly feeling hurt yesterday because I'm a tad more sensitive than maybe I should be. There was a time in my life when I was taking anti-depressants, and I do think they have their place, but for the most part I get along pretty well without that help these days. Sometimes, though, I do allow external stuff to really get to me, like I did at Melissa's shower. Fortunately, the mood usually dissipates quickly. Today when I awoke, I was feeling much better.
Oh... today was also the first time Meaghan has ever made breakfast - my mother's day breakfast was a piece of dry whole wheat toast, which actually worked out well as I had an upset stomach when I got up!
That little girl is just so special!
I hope everyone had a great weekend & lovely Mother's Day. God bless & good night! The ShowerI have to rant a little here. The shower was most definitely less-than-perfect. I am a sensitive person, something I try really hard not to be because it's just not fun, but there it is... I am... and it seems an unchangeable part of who I am.
We were all excited about the shower, and the house looked cute and festive after my mom & sister & I worked on balloons and streamers and snacks... and at 2:30, when the party began, we were ready!!
One of our first guests was an extraordinarily critical first-cousin, L. L's complaints began almost the moment she walked through the front door and did not end until that door saw her retreat (which was none too soon for anyone in attendance). She was offended by the program (Yes, I'm a dork... I printed programs for the shower, so people would know what games we'd be playing & when we'd be eating & when Mel would be opening her gifts... Mom & I thought this would be a good idea since some people had other plans today too & the program would give them an idea of what to expect time-wise... also I just enjoy making lists and stuff, and I thought this looked rather organized, not to mention adorable with a little pacifier picture at the top). L said she would not be participating in any games, that she had only come to socialize. I began to wonder whose party this was... hers or Melissa's... and also whether L had ever been to a baby shower before, since most of the showers I've been to have included at least a few games.
I was ready to brush off the annoyance at her, but she just kept talking!!!
She offended one our aunts by calling her a peculiar abbreviation of her name... but the two of them settled that down pretty quickly and all seemed to be well for a little while... but L was just bound and determined to stir something up...
I'll skip the petty stuff, though there is enough of it to make it possibly not-so-petty, and get to the meat and bones of what is bothering me.
As I said, I'm a sensitive person. L came in with blackness around her, that's the only way I can describe it. I have some anxiety issues, and was prepared to enjoy this day because it was primarily family and not a huge gathering, but as soon as L came in, her attitude, body language, and loud, aggressive comments just made me cringe. I felt myself tensing up and felt helpless to stop it. I was already dealing with an extra child, who is quite high-strung and needs lots of one on one attention, and I was supposed to be in charge of the games, so I was already feeling pressured.
L started an argument with another cousin and my aunt about unwed mothers and the fact that it is immoral (in a room where about 1/3 of the mothers are unwed) to have a child out of wedlock. Now, though I am a single mom myself, I do agree with that statement... but I do not agree with the malice behind her words, especially knowing her history; I just don't feel it is up to we mere mortals to judge one another. However, I was not a part of this discussion, so I just kept my distance and kept busy, ignoring much of the conversation. I believe my aunt and cousin cut her short and it didn't last too long anyway, but I was also a bit put out that she felt it necessary to loudly voice such a judgement at the baby shower of an unwed mother-to-be. I found myself thinking she perhaps should have stayed home!!
The next big thing that angered me about this malicious and intentionally cruel woman were her words about me, my child, and my child's sister. L asked about the little girl Meaghan and I had with us at the shower, and to avoid any unnecessary conversation with a woman who riles me, I told her I was watching her for a friend who had to work today and didn't have anyone else to watch her. Now, I do owe my mouthy aunt for some of what happened next, because she had to add to the conversation that the little girl is Meaghan's sister.
I HATE BEING SENSITIVE, I still feel like crying and like punching L all at once. Because Meaghan and her sister are about the same height, L assumed that they are the same age, and commented - in the middle of a rather small and intimate gathering and with children present - that the other little girl's mother and myself must have been sleeping with their father at the same time. I could have slugged her, seriously. I pretty much left the shower after that comment in order to not create a scene. I smiled a big totally fake smile and said no, she is over a year older than Meaghan. I spent the rest of the shower, until L left, with the children. It just seemed best.
I don't know how much of all of L's rude and insensitive commentary reached Melissa's ears, but I'm hoping not all of it. I was just so outraged that L would come into someone else's home, not forced to come, but invited, and completely disrespect everyone present. I am trying to decide if I should confront her - when I'm less angry of course - because I believe she's crossed a line. She is pretty much always rude and very outspoken; she's one of the wealthier members of our family & seems to feel that as such she is better than the rest of us. This doesn't normally bother me, but I was just so hurt that she would behave THAT badly. I so sincerely wanted to ask her to leave. And now, I need to pray. I am feeling very vulnerable and hurt and angry and tearful and petty and I don't like it; I need my Father's help. 5/13/2006 Babysitting...I was planning on sleeping in a little bit today before heading to Mom's to get ready for the shower, but I'm expecting a little visitor in about 15 minutes. Meaghan's older sister (same dad, different mom) will be spending the day with us. Should be interesting... Shianna has, I believe, even more energy than Meaghan does!! I am really hoping the two girls behave themselves at the baby shower.
Meaghan is looking forward to seeing her sister; they haven't seen each other in, if I remember correctly, over a year. Shianna and her mom & stepfather stayed with Meaghan and I for awhile about a year and a half ago, but the arrangement did not work out. I think maybe there were some bitter feelings for awhile, but hopefully that's passed. Since it isn't likely I'll be having any more children, Shianna may be the only sister Meaghan ever knows (though I do believe there is another younger sibling somewhere, probably under a year old).
Anywho, I hope Shianna is still sleepy when she gets here; I need to hop in the shower and get ready for the day....
... So much for that thought ... She is here and as busy as a little bee!!
Have a good day all! 5/8/2006 Another Weekend... GONE!As usual, spent most of the weekend with family. I did consider skipping my niece's soccer game, but we wound up making the 1 1/2 hour drive & had a blast. Her team won; they just have such great teamwork.
We also went shopping for baby shower stuff (prizes for the games, plates, napkins, etc...). I love dollar stores
 That is where we found many of the baby shower necessities. I will be going to the store again tomorrow in search of just a few more items we need, and then I have to find out from Mom what we'll be needing by way of food & beverage items. This afternoon (well, Sunday afternoon), we went rollerskating again ~ the first time in over a month. Meaghan and I still aren't feeling 100% better, but our coughing is quieted down a bit anyway. The rollerskating was fun, but I'm sure to have blisters on my feet tomorrow! Also, the girls weren't as into it this week as they have been, so I don't know how often we'll be going now.
After rollerskating, we went to the river to feed the ducks again. I just love that, although with my nieces and one of my older niece's friends along, it wasn't quite so much fun... the kids were just a little obnoxious and kept scaring off the birds. They enjoyed themselves, but I'm sure the ducks and gulls were happy to see us leave.
Not much really happening around here. I made my sister angry in the evening. Oh well. Now it is time for some much-needed sleep. I have to be to work 1/2 hour earlier than usual tomorrow
 Have a blessed week, all!! 5/6/2006 Baby, It's Cold Outside...I am debating whether or not to take Meaghan to her cousin's soccer game. Meaghan still has a little cough (and she's still asleep at this moment), and it isn't supposed to be super warm today. Must think. And quickly. If we go we need to leave soon.
Also I must consider the price of gasoline for a 3-hour roundtrip misadventure. A sad thing to have to think about, but I really need to stay inside my budget, and I think this trip would take me over... bummer. I really want to get some more soccer photos so I can make a scrapbook for my niece. Her team won their last game (that's 1 game of 3). She's really aggressive when she plays and just enjoys herself.
Okay, I'll have to go think about this more now. Happy Saturday! 5/1/2006 Good MorningGood morning and happy Monday. I am so sleepy this morning and just want to enter a quick update. Mom is still feeling much better than she was, and she will be making an appointment with her doctor. She is just waiting on some test results and then will see her doctor again.
Melissa has been having some contractions but they are not constant. The doctor has told her she can look forward to more of the same up until the baby is born. Mom and I were planning her baby shower yesterday and we're both very excited about it. When she talked to Melissa last night, Mom said that Melissa also seems to be getting excited.
And the baby shower is why I'm sleepy. I stayed up late last night typing inserts for the invitations regarding what baby needs (and letting Melissa's guests know that though the baby is a girl, Mom and Dad prefer pastels other than pink for clothing/bedding/etc.). Those took a very short time to do, but I also made a sort of program for the shower, outlining the games we'll be playing, and then I typed up what was necessary for a couple of the games. We'll be doing an Anagram with the word BLESSING; a word scramble; the toilet paper game; a guess what baby item is in the bag game; and a guess Melissa's cravings game (that one is multiple choice). Oh, and I did a birth announcement MadLib, which is how we will kick off the games. That should be fun!
Now, I must go... road work is beginning on my normal route to work today, so I have to take a more time- and gas-consuming detour.
Have a blessed Monday! |
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