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10/2/2006 i am still alivei don't really know why... but i've started blogging on myspace... actually i do know why... i'm feeling a bit differently these days. edgy, nervous, restless... in need of change... tinged with apathy... i'm too old to feel this way.
http://www.myspace.com/karen_leo75
there it is, a link to myspace. the blogging is a bit grittier, so if you like me nice and sweet avoid it. if you like me human... check it out. i've been posting lots of poetry and have been a tad self-obsessed and annoying (sorry). i have also been trying hard to get out and just live more rather than live here, in my safe haven... it's not been easy and i'm shedding tears but it's life, it's life and i must be in it or at least try. i'm sorry i haven't been blog-walking. when the restlessness passes i will return to that path... until then i hope all is well & send my love & warm wishes as the cold winter approaches.
if you'd like to get in touch with me while i'm away from the blogwalk please feel free to email me: karen_leo75@hotmail.com or karen_leo75@yahoo.com
take care & happy october. 8/18/2006 Friday/Out of Sorts/TiredNothing much happening. I'm tired but having a hard time getting to sleep (I made the mistake of having a glass of iced tea a couple of hours ago while watching a movie I borrowed from work, "Ruby Bridges," about de-segregation in the South in the 60s - it made me cry and I was thirsty).
Junior is worrying me but then again, what doesn't worry me! She's been avoiding eye-contact when I try to talk to her, and my mom told me today that she has been doing the same thing with her. Maybe it's just normal 4-year-old stuff, I don't know. I only know her father was one who always avoided eye-contact, and he was something of a pathological liar and just such a hard person to deal with (when I was sober). Too much on my mind tonight, sorry if I'm not making sense, I'm just venting right now.
Tomorrow, or actually tonight technically, I am going to my sister's to hang out. I need time to chill.
I should go to bed soon.
More venting first, though...
I am feeling out of sorts, and I know much of it is that I'm isolating myself from others of my faith. I don't know how or why I'm doing this & I know it's not good, but I am doing it. I'm not reading the Bible as I should be, and my prayers are not as heartfelt as they should be either. It's not that I feel totally alone, more like I am just tired and having a hard time making the effort I need to make. I have got to work on this!!
Okay, I'm done. I hope all is well, everyone is having a happy week, and wish you a lovely weekend as well. Take care & God bless! 8/2/2006 LonelyLoneliness is worse when combined with chronic insomnia. One would think I might get some much-needed rest this week with Junior away, but apparently it's not meant to be. I'll blame it on the heat & humidity, will that work?
Not much really happening, today was very busy at work but I accomplished most of what I set out to accomplish, so that was okay. I didn't get to take a walk in the orchard today, though, which is a bummer. I look forward to those short breaks, even when its 100 degrees
 Well, good morning all... I think I am going to take another stab at getting to sleep. Take care & God bless!! 7/31/2006 Wassup?Sleep: getting a little better, I'm very tired right now and will probably be asleep within the hour.
Work: all's well, sort of. Working on some confrontation issues so that I won't feel so stressed, but that's coming along.
Internet: temporarily connected again... I tell you I'm hooked.
Junior: spending the week at my sister's - she begged to go and was the first one in the car when they left; it's the first time she'll be away from me for so long & up to now, the only place she's spent the night away from me is at my mom's... so I had a good cry when they left, but I am feeling better now. Also she has been accepted into a school-readiness program for the fall.
Family: stepsister, Leslie, got married to her longtime boyfriend... um husband now, Peter, on Saturday 7/29. It was a gorgeous wedding & I'll have some photos soon.
Photos: I am completely obsessed with photo-stories and have been making lots of them. I find myself in need of more music cd's though so I have more choices. I made a photo-story for my best friend and her mom liked it so much she wants me to make one for her to give her mother for Christmas. I'm excited
 And I guess that's about all, now I need sleep. Good night & God bless! 7/19/2006 A "Conversation" from the Past...Below is a conversation I had online shortly after my break-up with Dave (in 2001). L was a close friend for whom I had romantic feelings. Nothing ever came of those feelings, but I found this tonight while I was looking for some of my poetry, and it made me cry. L was my "living diary" and I was his, for years. I ruined the friendship by wanting more.
He recently married a lovely young woman, and they are soon to move to California. I haven't spoken with him in over five years, and I miss his friendship very much. Across the miles and past all the stupid things I said to him while pitying myself, I wish him the happiest and most blessed life, filled with love and contentment.
He is a truly special person - just read his kind words and wise advice below and you'll know that's true.
June 29, 2001
Me: I may be an awful worthless nothing of a person.... ...No one can care enough. Not even I care enough.... ...I used to feel maybe I could be special. I used to sing. I used to laugh and make others laugh. Now the laughs I give to others don't affect me. I only sing when I'm alone. I don't feel special. I feel so ordinary.... L: Bah. You really need to go easier on yourself and stop putting things like that into your own head. I know it's easier said than done, but it's what I've been working on myself for awhile. There's only you in your head, and only you can really make yourself do or feel anything. If you tell yourself you're worthless, then so shall you be. But now, don't get down on yourself and make yourself feel even worse by blaming yourself for belittling yourself. Most of the time, these things you tell yourself are habits. Just like smoking. You pick them up without quite realizing it. And it's just like an addiction, it's hard to stop and there's no "patch" to put on. Somewhere along the line, maybe because of a few falls, maybe to please someone else, you learned to say and think these things to yourself... Well... sooner or later you're going to have to face it, m'dear. You are not worthless, you are special, you are artistic and creative, and you do have a purpose here beyond being a doormat. I can't force you to believe these things, but I can try to remind you. And telling you these things isn't any particular trick of mine or some extreme compliment I'm paying you-- I'm just calling you as I see you. And I hope you're not hurt from my silence this week, or thinking that I have run again. My promise is good. I'm here, but I've just been so tired. I've got more to talk to you about, but I haven't had the presence of mind to make the words. Me: Everyone who has a beautiful soul is too good for me because my soul is plain like the rest of me. L: This is bullshit. Your soul shines like the sun and every star in the night sky. You're about as plain as a unicorn. No one is too good for you, and you one is better than you. You're hurting right now. You've been through a lot of bullshit over the years (some of it from me), but there's something you've got to decide: Do you want to recover? There is a way up, and there is a way out, and there's a bit of climbing you have to do under your own power, but you don't have to be alone. 7/14/2006 Home, Sweet (MESSY) HomeWell, I'm back home. The time at Wendy's actually was nice, though I found myself thinking, "I wish I had a me at home." Let me clarify...
While at my sister's, I watched the kids, cooked meals, did laundry, helped clean & organize the kitchen & the girls' room, and did some other general cleaning/picking up. It was like being a homemaker, only in someone else's home. I need someone like that. My life is utter chaos, because after working all day I just don't feel like it anymore when I get home. Add to that the fact that I want to just spend some time with my child, and you get a Very Messy House. Don't believe me? Just ask my mom (of course, even if my house were neat & tidy by my standards, it would still be messy by hers, so don't ask her... better, ask my sister, she'll tell the truth - or my 4-year-old, she knows our home is a disaster). Anywho, it's true, I need a me. Or something.
I have to say, though this little tin can shack is depressingly messy (and the lawn needed to be mowed about 3 days ago), it's still good to be home. The kitties missed us, and I missed the quiet we have here (it's noisier at my sister's, with the kids and the fact that she lives in town & there's a lot of traffic, and also she has cable - and I'm addicted to some of the shows on cable - and I don't have cable at home so the television is almost never on here...) - Anywho, I've been trying to catch up on my blogwalk for a couple of hours now, so I'm off to bed. Tomorrow I'm going to try and recapture the enthusiasm for domesticity I seemed to have while at my sister's & see if I can't tame the wild at home.
Good night (er... good morning...) & God bless! Happy Friday  6/27/2006 Need to go to bed, but...Nothing really big happening. I forgot to call FedEx today... oops, sorry other Karen! The day went pretty well, though. My Aunt Barb gave me some suits Saturday while I was visiting my Grandma (Aunt Barb and Grandma share a house), and I wore one today. It's so nice not to have to think too much about what to wear!
I've changed things around a bit here, inspired by KM (the Barnyard), whose space is looking very nice & simple. I have made an effort to make my space look a little more simple, too, but I've come to the conclusion that I have too much stuff here... kind of like my real life. I'm wondering now, should I clear out some of the stuff I have on my space currently to streamline and simplify, or is all the stuff good & right & just me? Any thoughts? Please share them!!
I got to hold Serenity this evening, it had been about a week since I'd seen her & she has grown a little bit. She's such a sweet, calm baby!
Anywho... I had better get myself to bed, tomorrow is a semi-long day!
Good night & God bless! 6/20/2006 DifficultI am not sure why today was hard. I almost had a panic-attack at work, and I have this feeling of general anxiety: SOMETHING BAD IS GOING TO HAPPEN (a nameless SOMETHING BAD). That is the feeling. It's subsided somewhat now, since I picked Junior up and came home. I had a bummy evening - mowed the lawn, cuddled with Junior (she got stung by a bee; apparently there's a new nest in the shed, darn it!!), read to her and watched a Rugrats video - always sure to bring a smile to my little one's face!
Anywho, my next therapy session (where the work begins, as my last one was the initial assessment & working on a treatment plan/goals), is next Monday. I am dreading and looking forward to it. Time to chase away some demons and get back to myself.
I hope all is well for everyone in blogland. God bless & have a wonderful week! 5/30/2006 WaitingBelieve it or not, I'm actually not suffering from insomnia this morning (yikes, is it really 2:30?)... I'm actually quite sleepy, but waiting on laundry. The child and I spent far too much time not at home over this long weekend, but somehow I doubt that excuse would suffice as the reason I might be wearing scruffy jeans and a stained tee-shirt to work tomorrow, so I'm doing some last-minute laundry.
I hope everyone had a nice weekend; the weather here was just like summer time and it was wonderful. Even as I sit here sweating, waiting for the a/c to really kick in (yes, I gave it up, I hooked up the old air conditioner when I got home tonight, I just couldn't bear the extra 20 degrees inside). It is beginning to be bearable. The next thing to do is to get a laundry line outside so I don't have to use the heat-creating dryer!!!
I went to a cook-out with my sister Saturday afternoon and it was actually a lot of fun. It was at the home of a couple of my sister's Army buddies, and I'd never met them before (I usually am quite reserved and nervous when meeting new people, and almost always stricken with anxiety in large crowds, so I was really nervous on the way there). I was pleasantly surprised by the entire evening. It was pretty family-oriented as the host & hostess have kids (and a little one on the way), and the majority of the guests had their children with them as well. The home is in a small town and the couple has a lot of land, so there was plenty of room for the kids to run and play, as well as games set up for them. I think the younger kids (Jr. and my little niece) got bored a little earlier than the older ones, who enjoyed the freedom of running around with glow-sticks long past their usual bedtimes. Jr. and my younger niece wound up falling asleep while we were there - my niece watching a movie, and I rocked Jr. to sleep by the fire outdoors.
I am not normally a drinker, as I had a bit of an alcohol problem in my early-mid twenties, but I had a couple of beers and just relaxed and watched the activity. I'm a nervous mom, so I sort of hovered in the background near Meaghan most of the time ~ out of her sight, but she was never out of mine for long!! She got to interact with lots of kids, so I think it was a good thing for her. She's too much like me most of the time, and spends a lot of time on her own when she's not with me. Even when playing with the other kids, she has to take breaks often to be alone. I am glad she knows to do that already ~ it took me years to figure out that as an introvert, I need my alone time so that I can enjoy life (and my time with other people) more. All in all, I think she had a good time (see the marshmallow photos ~ she especially enjoyed toasting her own).
I'm glad we went.
My mom is having a rough time right now. Not sure entirely what brought it on; seems to resemble the apathy I was feeling recently, only more pronounced. It's not really so unusual in my family, it's just been awhile since she's been this way and it worries me. I wish her husband was more understanding, but I guess that's between the two of them. Anyway, she is in need of prayer.
I am feeling much better, myself, after a weekend spent mostly outdoors (okay, so Sunday I missed church and wound up sleeping most of the day, but we got home very late from the cookout, actually on Sunday morning).
Today, Meaghan and I did a little housework at my mom's and then spent the day running. We took Annie to the lake so she could prance in the water. Then we brought the dog home so we could go to the store, where we purchased some flowers for my grandmother's grave. We took the flowers out to the cemetery, then went to Dairy Queen for a treat, and ran into my dad there so we visitied awhile. Then we went to the lake next to the DQ in the town where my dad lives and Meaghan played on the playground equipment and on the beach there. We walked in the water a little, but the water at Jordan Lake was much colder than the water at Sessions Lake, where we had taken Annie.
We got home late and Meaghan was already asleep... so I hooked up the a/c and uploaded my photos from the weekend, then woke Meaghan to give her a bath & put her back to bed... and then started laundry. Exciting stuff!! My life...
Now, I believe while I await the conclusion of the laundry, I am going to take a bath myself. God bless & good "night". 5/29/2006 Just for fun...***You Are 66% American***
Most times you are proud to be an American. Though sometimes the good ole US of A makes you cringe Still, you know there's no place better suited to be your home. You love your freedom and no one's going to take it away from you! 5/20/2006 ~The Letter "P"~From Gayle, a challenge:
Comment on this entry and I will give you a letter. Write ten words beginning with that letter in your journal, including an explanation of what the word means to you and why, and then pass out letters to those who want to play along.
My letter is "P"
Princess: 1 archaic : a woman having sovereign power
2 : a female member of a royal family; especially : a daughter or granddaughter of a sovereign 3 : the consort of a prince 4 : one likened to a princess; especially : a woman of high rank or of high standing in her class or profession This word used to make me cringe, as I've never been a girly-girl... but you've seen my daughter, right? The one with the tiara growing from the top of her head? Yeah, that one. She is a princess from the inside out, even if I'm not even close to being royalty myself and I adore that little girl!
Peace: 1 : a state of tranquillity or quiet: as a : freedom from civil disturbance b : a state of security or order within a community provided for by law or custom <a breach of the peace>
2 : freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions 3 : harmony in personal relations Yes, of course I, like most people, wish for world peace; but mostly (and I do know this is selfish) I long for a personal peace, an end to the chaos my life usually entails. Pardoned: 1 a : to absolve from the consequences of a fault or crime b : to allow (an offense) to pass without punishment : FORGIVE c : to relieve of a penalty improperly assessed
This should be my first word, but it's late & I'm tired. I am eternally grateful beyond words for the salvation of Jesus Christ, so thankful I am pardoned of my many sins!!
Premature: Etymology: Latin praematurus too early, from prae- + maturus ripe, mature : happening, arriving, existing, or performed before the proper, usual, or intended time; especially : born after a gestation period of less than 37 weeks <premature babies>
My baby was born about two months prematurely (four years ago) and this fact has affected both of our lives. Because she had to fight for her life, she is a very strong person; because I ran the risk of losing her, our attachment to one another is particularly strong. I am so blessed to even know this little person, much less bring her up!
Parent: 1 a : one that begets or brings forth offspring b : a person who brings up and cares for another
Related to the previous word... I am all about being a parent. My child is my life, I want her to have the best life she can have, to be the best person she can be, and to know that she is my top priority, following my Christian faith. Personality: 3 : the complex of characteristics that distinguishes an individual or a nation or group; especially : the totality of an individual's behavioral and emotional characteristics
4 a : distinction or excellence of personal and social traits; also : a person having such quality synonym see DISPOSITION
I have a pretty strong personality, whether that's a good thing or a bad thing I'm not sure. While I'm not comfortable with confrontation, I tend to be relatively idealistic and when I think something is really unjust, I don't always think before I act. My personality also includes humor ~ I think I laugh 90% of the time & that's a good thing, for sure!
Photography: : the art or process of producing images on a sensitized surface (as a film) by the action of radiant energy and especially light
I'm not saying I take good photos or really know much about photography, but I love to take pictures. I carry my camera everywhere!!
Poetry: 1 a : metrical writing : VERSE b : the productions of a poet : POEMS
2 : writing that formulates a concentrated imaginative awareness of experience in language chosen and arranged to create a specific emotional response through meaning, sound, and rhythm I love to read poetry, I love to write poetry; sometimes I am awakened in the middle of the night by a random thought which upon almost-waking becomes a poem, only to be lost but vaguely remembered when I turn on the lamp in order to write the verse(s). I just love words!
Prayer: 1 a (1) : an address (as a petition) to God in word or thought <said a prayer for the success of the voyage> (2) : a set order of words used in praying b : an earnest request or wish
2 : the act or practice of praying to God <kneeling in prayer> I pray often throughout the day, it is just part of my life. I need the connection and the direction!
Peculiar: Etymology: Middle English peculier, from Latin peculiaris of private property, special, from peculium private property, from pecu cattle; akin to Latin pecus cattle -- more at FEE
1 : characteristic of only one person, group, or thing : DISTINCTIVE 2 : different from the usual or normal: a : SPECIAL, PARTICULAR b : ODD, CURIOUS c : ECCENTRIC, QUEER synonym see CHARACTERISTIC, STRANGE Why this word? I've been told many times in my life that I'm "weird" or "kooky" or "peculiar"... once upon a time as a child, this bothered me sometimes ~ I just wanted to be normal. As I grew older, though, I realized that this peculiarity of personality is what makes me ME, and I embrace it... after all, I would much rather be peculiar than plain!
Phew!! I'm tired now, time for bed! 5/10/2006 Charley Horse...
OUCH... I was just awakened from a deep sleep by a charley horse in my left calf. It's all gone now, but for some reason when I get those, which isn't often, I not only hurt but I also panic. Probably goes back to the first charley horse I ever had, when I was about 10. I didn't know what the heck was wrong with me... and I'll come clean (I wasn't always the swiftest, especially when awakened from a deep sleep...), I thought I was having a heart attack in my leg. I thought my leg was dying! Hey, I was a kid, what can I say? Now, since I'm up, I guess I'll do some laundry and go back to bed for an hour or two 5/4/2006 Wednesday... and the week's half done!!Ah, the week nears its end. I opted to watch House tonight rather than attend the GYST meeting (primarily because I forgot to ask E where she lives and by the time I remembered, the office was closed
 ). Not that I didn't enjoy the conclusion of House, but I was looking forward to tonight. I have been thinking very much about accountablility lately & it seems I am lacking this. The little monthly get-together is sort of a means to that end. I hope I am invited to next month's meeting, even though I've missed the first two.Anywho, about accountability... as I said it's been on my mind a lot lately. I mean, I have accountability to my employer, to my landlord, to the bank, and to all the other companies to whom I owe money (don't really wanna think about that right now though)... but in my personal life, as a single person, I find myself sometimes at a loss. I mean, I have no one to answer to. Yes, I answer to God, we all must do that... but as for another person in my life who helps to hold me accountable, it just isn't there. There are days when I wish I were married simply for that accountability, which I feel must be a really important part of marriage.
I have friends who care, I know this, but most of them are married and they all have, shall I say, "accountability partners" so I cannot burden them with that role in my life. Does that make sense? I am struggling as a single mom because often the temptation is to hold myself accountable to my child, which is not right. I must make myself accountable for my child, for her safety and well-being, but not to her. That is not the role of a child.
I understand that my ultimate accountability is to Christ. I am just searching for a practical way to incorporate that knowledge into my day-to-day life & I so wish I had someone to share that with me.
Yikes. Okay, enough of the deep thoughts. I'm still working those out. On a lighter note, Jr. got a very short haircut today. She had been begging my mom to give her bangs, so today I told her that was fine & that if the child wanted to have short hair all over, that would be fine too. Well, now she has short hair all over. It is really cute & I think it's a good style for the coming hot weather (I may be a little too hopeful on that topic).
It's kind of funny... when I first saw her, I thought, that is how her twin brother would look today (okay, the haircut is a little boyish, but it's cute on the li'l imp who is my child). I lost Jr.'s twin during the first trimester of my pregnancy, so I'm not sure why I have this certainty that it was a brother & not a sister, but I do. His name would have been Elijah, for his great-great-grandfather.
Anywho, I suppose I'm off to bed. Tomorrow is a 12-hour shift so I need by beauty sleep! 5/3/2006 Night OwlIt would seem I'm destined to be a night owl. My cold is much, much better today and I'm feeling more human (and more like my usual self, which means... sleepless again
 ). I am a bit hooked on the t.v. show House, and it was a to-be-continued cliff-hanger tonight, with the conclusion tomorrow... and now I am debating my two activity choices for tomorrow evening (pretty exciting for someone who's usual entertainment is just watching whatever happens to be on the tube at my mom's house). Choice 1) the second monthly GYST (Get Your Sh!t Together) Meeting, hosted this month by a therapist at the office where I work. She and some of her friends started the group last month as a means to have some accountability and motivation to... well... get their sh!t together. I missed the meeting last month, and haven't even made my list of goals I'd like to accomplish, and have been sort of looking forward to the gathering (though a bit nervous because E is the only one I know, and I'm always nervous when I meet new people). Anywho, if I go, I miss House. If I don't go, I guess I miss real life, right? I dunno.
I'll have to sleep on that one.
My mom worked on the bassinet for Baby Girl today, and it looks really pretty. I hope Melissa & Richard like it. She even refrained from using pink material, since they both dislike the color.
I am currently in a creative slump. It may have something to do with this cold from which I'm recovering, or maybe the rain is dashing my creativity. Whatever it is, I hope to regain at least a little of the spark soon. I have been unable to find inspiration for either photography or poetry.
I am also in rollerskate-withdrawl. It has been several weeks since Jr. and I have gone skating. I am determined to go this Sunday. I get such a kick out of it; maybe that's what I need to get my creative juices flowing again.
Hm. I'm pretty boring tonight, so I guess I'll go lie down and make myself sleep. God bless & have a grand Wednesday! 5/2/2006 Good NightI'm not exactly sleepless tonight (yes, technically I'm still awake, but I'll be snoring the second my head hits my pillow). Just wanted to vent before I do lay me down to sleep...
My cold seems to be a bit better this evening. I've been taking medicine for the cough and it finally has seemed to work a bit. I worked a short day today, also, and slept most of the afternoon (from about 2-6) so I'm hoping that helped to kick this cold-monster's butt!! Tomorrow will tell!
I may not be around much this week, I have so much stuff I need to do and I'm trying to create a better routine for my daughter, who just cannot seem to sleep if I'm not sleeping. So I am going to spend some time quietly reading in the evenings, hoping that she'll be able to sleep while I do that. We're so attuned to one another that she just picks up on my restlessness, so I'm going to attempt to be RESTFUL instead. Once I have her used to a better routine, I think we'll be all set, but I have to get that established. After all, if all goes well, she'll be starting pre-kindergarten in the fall (sob).
My mom continues to feel fine, I think she is due for a vacation, though. Her next scheduled week off is the same as mine, the second week in July. I think she could use one before then. If we didn't have people out of the office at work most of this month, I'd take a little more time off and offer to watch the other little girl she watches so she can take a break. I may still have to see what I can figure out.
Melissa had another appointment with the doctor today & everything is going well. I think she is finally enjoying her pregnancy (until I became ill, my pregnancy was the happiest and most peaceful time in my life). I'm so glad for her. She took a look at what we've planned for her shower and seems to be excited about that too. And my mom found me one picture of my brother as a baby (and several others of him as a young boy), so I just need some baby photos of Melissa & I can at least get a couple of pages of the baby book done. I plan to start working on the "My Daddy" page tomorrow evening, since I have those photos.
I guess that's all. Have a blessed week! 4/28/2006 Summer SoonFriday is finally officially here... and as a good American, I of course embrace the day with an unnatural enthusiasm. I am really beginning to think all of this "day of the week" association with emotions could be unhealthy. And I honestly don't think I'm the only one with these conditioned responses to MONDAY and FRIDAY. I mean, here I was at the beginning of the week bemoaning that it was ~shudder~ Monday, and now I am jumping for joy because-- well of course it's because Friday is here!! My rational mind tells me this is all a bit insane...
Maybe I am wrong, maybe it is just me... I don't know... I only know that I think it's time for me to maybe try and alter my response to the days of the week. After all, aren't we to rejoice and be glad in each day we're given? Are some days more blessed than others, just because of the name we give them? I think that's a big, fat NO. So... I will try and change my conditioned response. If I can change my response to this, then maybe I can go to work on some other possibly not so healthy reactions & responses... but I think I'll try this one first!
Now, my response to the fact that Spring is hopefully really here (once the cold nights end... it is below freezing temp tonight)... which means Summer is on the way... when I can't wait for sand and swimming and the zoo and heat and sun and sunscreen... that response i'm not messing with!!
And a little update on Melissa, she is apparently doing okay now, no more scares so prayerfully the little one is to stay and grow a bit longer before I meet her.
My cold is hopefully going away soon, too... I accidentally took too much cold medicine last night (I'm a little bit of a dufus, I must say; I somehow mistook the 2 TABLESPOON mark on the medicine cup for the 2 teaspoon mark... there's a slight difference in the two doses). I took this accidental mega-dose before leaving my mom's last night but somehow made it home fine and even did a blog entry before I went to bed, but I tell you I felt so weird that I went around the house checking to see if I had a pilot light out on the oven/stove, furnace, or water heater & also checked to be sure the carbon monoxide detector was working. I was sure something was wrong! I just didn't realize it was the medicine... But other than still having the rotten cold, Praise GOD, I'm okay today!!
Anywho. Have a blessed Friday. 4/27/2006 Nearing the Finish ...This week is finally almost over!!! What a blessing!
I'm not really sure where I'm going to go with this entry tonight/this morning ... I have medicine-head (Meaghan and I went for over two weeks completely healthy while those around us were ill, and now we have the crud... or rather I have the crud & she's recovering) ... anywho, my point is ... um, rambling ahead.
As I said, Meaghan is beginning to feel much better, poor little girl! And I know I'll feel better soon too
 Wednesday evening our church had a meeting regarding the future of the church; we are beginning a visioning process & I hope I can be a part of it. I love the folks at my church; I have felt welcomed there from the beginning, when I was single and pregnant and felt sure that I would be shunned. Instead I was embraced and shown love. It was an amazing experience, especially considering 95% of the congregation is over the age of 65.
Sadly, after the initial welcoming, and as Meaghan is growing up, I have felt like I'm not growing at all. I still consider myself a baby Christian (and I do take responsibility for not focusing enough on Bible study and prayer, two things I seriously need to work on), and this is in part because though we began having small group meetings (with a mix of mature Christians and "young" Christians), they ceased abruptly when the pastor at that time left. I stayed because I do still feel the love at this church and I feel truly blessed to be in a praying church, but I have been recently considering seeking a different church, one with more young people and children. Currently at my church, I believe I am the youngest member (except for a college-aged young man whose family attends). Meaghan is the youngest child; the other three children are I think 15, 12, and 9-or 7, can't remember for sure (yes, there are only 3 other children). Thus we really have nothing for the kids. And truly, not much for me. I go because to me, church is a time to worship & it isn't about me... it's about praising God and giving Him glory... but I am in need of some sort of discipleship as well. I need help in "growing up" in Christ. Does that make sense?
I am hopeful after the meeting that we may be headed in the right direction. Still, because my child has actually told me, "I hate church," I know I must find something else to involve her in as well. I don't want to drive her away from church as so many people around my age claim they were driven away by parents who forced them to attend "Boring Church Stuff." I intend to stick with my church and do whatever is needed, but I also intend to get Meaghan involved in Awana or something. Our church currently only has Sunday morning worship followed by Sunday School, and a Tuesday evening prayer meeting - no other services & nothing for children - so I don't think it is a conflict to get her into something with other kids where she'll have fun and still learn about the Lord.
I think that's all I have the energy for. I'm spent & need sleep. This cold & the medicine win! Good night & God bless.
Oh wait, that's not exactly all... I almost forgot... Tuesday night Melissa started having contractions & went to the hospital. The baby's heart rate was all over the place from super-low to super-high, but they sent her home. I haven't heard from her or my brother since (my mom went to the hospital with them and she was released at 1:30 a.m. on Wednesday). I only pray that the little one is okay & that Melissa is safely able to carry her for at least a couple more weeks. If she were to deliver now, the child would be about 8 weeks premature. 4/25/2006 Cloudy Days, Yet PraisePsalm 97:12
Rejoice in the LORD, you who are righteous,
and praise His holy name.
Ah, cloudy Monday is over. What is it about that day that makes me shudder? I hear the word "MONDAY" and I just tense up... it makes little sense, considering I have a job I actually enjoy. I am trying hard to be a more positive person, and to be grateful to the Lord for each day as a blessing from Him... so I must realize that even Mondays are a blessing. Still, I guess the irrational dislike of Mondays in general is just one of my life's little mysteries
As a single and non-dating mother, I find there are precious few mysteries left about myself, so I think I'll leave this one alone -- the mystery, not the lake of gratitude! The child had a nasty cold most of the weekend, so we missed church on Sunday (I didn't want to spread her germs, she was coughing and sneezing all over), and it lingers still. She was asleep when I got to my mom's to pick her up, so I let her lie & she wound up sleeping until 9 p.m. Needless to say, when we got home, she was wide awake! She just fell asleep about an hour ago. I read to her and rocked her and sang to her and finally she drifted off. Poor little girl. The cough medicine seems to be working finally, anyway, so she's not hacking at the moment.
I am hoping she feels better by this weekend so we can resume our weekly skating afternoons on Sunday. We've missed the past three Sundays (3 weeks ago, she got in trouble and lost the skating privelege; the following week was Easter; yesterday-well, Sunday-she just didn't feel well). I think I miss the activity more than she does. It's really a great way to really feel young again, at least I think it is. It brings back a lot of happy memories.
Speaking of memories, I'm working on a memory book for my brother's girlfriend. I need to call her tomorrow and see if I can get her mom's address so I can request a baby picture of Melissa, and maybe have her write a little journal tag with a memory of Melissa as a baby. Then I need to call my dad and see if he still has all the photos for our family, I'd like a picture of Richard as well, with a journal tag from my mom. I think I may ask Melissa and Richard if they'd like the ultrasound pictures in the scrapbook too, so they'll be in a safe place. With as disorganized as I am, I'm amazed I've accomplished what I have already - I have the book all put together and ready to add photos and the little decorative touches; I've even purchased some really cute borders and embellishments to jazz it up. Now I just have to patiently wait for my niece to make an appearance so I can make her camera-shy too
 Since I've started using my digital camera, Meaghan is entirely disgusted with photography. She sees the camera and practically begs me not to take her picture. Hence, the tree photos... At least they stand still!
I believe I'm finally feeling sleepy, so goodnight/good morning & God bless! 4/22/2006 I'm green... with envy? ...or does it signify that I'm naive?***You Are Emerald Green***
Deep and mysterious, it often seems like no one truly gets you. Inside, you are very emotional and moody - though you don't let it show. People usually have a strong reaction to you... profound love or deep hate. But you can even get those who hate you to come around. There's something naturally harmonious about you.
What Color Green Are You? http://www.blogthings.com/whatcolorgreenareyouquiz/ Why Am I Still Awake??I must say that "Why am I still awake?" is a good question for me... I have struggled with insomnia for most of my life. So, while I'm really quite exhausted, my eyes won't close & my mind just won't shut off. I suppose I could be doing something productive, but instead... here I sit. This time to unwind is a good thing. When I finish ranting, I'll be able to close my eyes and rest awhile.
I was thinking earlier that I talk too fast - much as my mind works, so does my mouth. As a receptionist, this isn't always a good thing. I have to constantly remind myself to slow down and enunciate; when I forget, I get a lot of "huh?" on the other end of the phone. Then again, there are people who call who barely notice what I say at all & I'm sometimes tempted to make up words just to see if those people notice. The one that tempts me most is "momo" in the place of "moment" - it would work like this: Caller--"Can I please speak to so-and-so?" Me--"Sure, just a momo please." I cannot tell you how tempting this is. I have others, but for the life of me, though I'm awake, my mind is tired & I can't remember them right now.
Meaghan and I went to dinner with my mom & stepdad this evening, yummy stirfry and hot green tea. It was pretty okay (although I did manage to spill the child's milk and a bowl of sweet & sour sauce all over the table - in two separate incidents, mind you).
After dinner, the child and I went to the movies (totally unplanned, but the restaurant was right next to a movie theater & Meggie saw "The Wild" poster and asked if we could go, and I agreed). The movie was cute, not too memorable, but it had an okay story. I couldn't help but think how different it is these days, going to the movies.
As a teenager, we mostly goofed off when we went to the movies. If I was with a date, of course I usually paid little attention to the film; if I was with friends, we were usually too busy chatting/getting popcorn & candy/going to the restroom to chat some more to really watch the movie. Now, I still don't watch the movie much, I admit, but it's because I have a little voice beside me asking what this or that character said, or asking if she can have popcorn or (more often) CANDY, or telling me she REALLY REALLY HAS TO GO POTTY... and ocassionally, if she's not feeling the movie, I'll here between every scene: "Okay, it's all done. Time to go."
I must say I much prefer my movie date of the present to those of the past, by far!
Tomorrow is my 9-year-old niece's first soccer game of the season, so we will be leaving here around 9:30 for that. It should be fun, since it's her third year playing. It's a lot of fun to watch.
I think perhaps I can sleep now... Goodnight, God bless & have a marvelous weekend! |
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