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8/29/2006 Thank You!!Thank you, everyone, for your words of advice & support. It means a lot to me, really! As you can probably tell, I was pretty darn nervous about getting back into the whole dating scene, and I know I haven't really jumped in yet, but I'm on my way & it's not an easy thing for me. This past week and a half, I really think I could've used an anti-anxiety medication.
After my first "date" I was left, just a ball of nerves. Seriously. I was driving myself completely nuts, wondering what kind of impression I had made. Then my old battle with my self-esteem began to rage in full force... I thought I had left that behind me, but I think I've realized about myself that if I avoid something, any situation, for too long... when I finally make another try at it, I feel so bad about my abilities in that situation that I can't even think straight. So then I obsess about my behavior, my reactions, how appear to others in that situation... and beat myself up for not being better... It's a pain in the butt, truly. Just ask my sister, who had to listen to my obsessing!!
Anywho, I'm still not any more certain of my abilities in this whole dating scene, but I'm working on remembering who I am and what I have to offer, and trying not to obsess about any part of it... So... I saw him Saturday night & we watched a movie at his place, alone... and last night we went to dinner, alone. I don't know where this is leading, if anywhere; I can't read him at all... but I had a nice time. And I finally remembered to get his phone number. Now I'll be debating with myself about whether or not I should call him... or no, I'll just let him call me.
Other than that, nothing much happening 'round here. Still having internet problems at home, so I won't be online much. I'm at my sister's now but getting ready to leave to take my nieces to my mom's, then I have some more running to do & I have to find new homes for my pets ASAP (the pet fee where I live is going up to $20 per month per pet, and I can't swing that). I don't even know what I'm going to do with them. The dog came from the pound to begin with & I hate to have to take her back there, but I may have to if none of the other dog shelters will take her. The cats are another story. Nobody ever wants a full-grown cat, it's all about kittens. So... wish me luck on that front. I swear I'm never having another pet, I feel so bad when they either die or something like this happens.
Okay... I hope all's well with everyone. Take care & God bless you as this summer winds down. When I have some free time and a computer to use, I'll be blog-walking... until then, be well! 8/24/2006 Time away!Today feels like Saturday to me... I took a few days off work to try and enjoy the end of summer (it's raining today). I'm at my sister's house at the moment, preparing to take my nieces to my mom's house so they can go to Vacation Bible Camp tonight (tonight is the last night, and my older niece and my daughter have gone every night; my younger niece missed a couple of nights but will be happy to go tonight). I don't feel like doing anything today, including driving, so I'm having trouble getting motivated!
My computer is giving me trouble at the moment, so I probably won't be online much. I suppose that's okay since I'm trying to enjoy what's left of this summer!
I haven't heard from my "date" of last Friday still... and I forgot to get his phone number so I can't call him... I'm debating whether or not I should try and find a way to contact him, but I probably won't. I'm a chicken and not fond of rejection, either. Ah well
 I suppose I should go now. Take care & God bless ~ have a lovely weekend! 8/19/2006 ChangesI'm going to preface this entry with the statement that I'm not sure I even want to write it... but here goes.
I had a date last night. Sort of. It was very casual. And to be fair, I'm not really sure he knew it was a "date" (though my sister says he was aware). He is someone my sister knows, and we had dinner and watched a couple of movies at her house (that's why it was "sort of" a date, we didn't go out... after all, it's been five years since I've been on a date of any kind... I was nervous).
I honestly don't know how it went, he's a nice person & very funny & I think I might like to do it again, but for real, I don't know how to make that happen! I'm a moron when it comes to guys!!! Seriously.
So for now, I'll just not worry about it... I had a nice time last night, and it wasn't as scary as I thought it would be, so I guess at least that's a start for me, right?
Now to something funny... at work, we listen to the local AM radio station, and on that station they play lots of old radio advertisements. One of these yesterday was an ad for Brill Cream, and it cracked me up (I probably found it funnier than anyone else will, but I laughed my butt off and am now trying to think of good situations to use this line) - anywho, the line I adored was that Brill Cream "will make your hair look disturbingly clean." Possibly it was funny because I work in a mental health facility, so the word disturbing used to describe someone's hair is just too funny. I was trying yesterday to give someone that compliment, but kept chickening out because I couldn't do it with a straight face. I think I'm going to have to practice in front of a mirror... "Hi, you look nice today. Your hair looks disturbingly clean." Is that not funny? Eh? Okay, maybe it's just me...
Now, I must run. Need to get to the bank to pay my house payment & then I have a meeting in an hour... and a wedding later, for which I need to find something to wear.
Have a lovely weekend & God bless! 7/9/2006 GREAT IDEA!! (In my humble opinion)...Aunt Tea has had what is, in my opinion, a GREAT IDEA!! It is an online photo club. She has set up a space specifically for sharing photos. Please check out Aunt Tea's Photo Flavors. I think this could be a lot of fun!!
Now, I'm off to enjoy the sunshine and spend some time with my family ~ have a blessed day all! 7/3/2006 A Day at the Beach
It was probably a good thing that Saturday was a lazy day... we wound up being quite busy. We had an open house for a cousin to attend, about which I had completely forgotten... after the open house, we did make it to the beach for awhile, and then Ionia had their Independence Day Fireworks on Saturday evening rather than waiting until the 4th. Meaghan enjoyed those as well. It was a busy but fun day.
Today (or Sunday, rather), we slept in because we got home quite late after the fireworks. When we woke, we visited some friends for awhile & then went back to the beach. I wore my swimsuit today too, and remembered Junior's life-vest, which I forgot yesterday, so swimming was a joy (as you can see from the photo above, playing in the sand was a joy too).
Oddly enough, I'm looking forward to returning to work on Monday. I have lots to finish up this week, as I am using some of my Paid Time Off hours the following week (July 10-14). Also, I really enjoy my breaks at work. Crissy and I usually take at least one 15-20 minute break daily to walk back in the orchard behind the office. It is marvelous!
Now, I'm off to finish up a bit of laundry and then to dreamland for a few hours. Have a lovely Monday. God bless!
6/29/2006 New Favorite PhotoThis is my current favorite photo... I wish I could take credit for it, but my 9-year-old niece was the photographer here. When Junior sees me coming with the camera, she usually runs and hides, but she's all smiles for her older cousin!!
The black & white photo below is a photo my 9-year-old niece took of herself; the other is a photo she took of her little sister. These photos are also in an album at the following link: more blog photos... 6/25/2006 PhotographsOn the sidebar, I've added a link to my flickr photos (see ...yet more photos...).
Also, you can GO HERE to see some photos taken by my 9-year-old niece. 6/23/2006 SketchesI've added another sketch, which I drew today from a photo of my sister's daughters. The photos of the sketch didn't turn out well, but then again neither did the sketch. Those girls are hard to draw!! I told the oldest, who is 9, that I'll try and do a sketch of each of them individually to see if I have better luck. 6/22/2006 DrawingI used to fancy myself, among other things, an artist. I did fairly well in art classes in school (except pottery and sculpture, I just don't have it in me to mold anything - though I wish I did!), but as an adult I just sort of put it aside like so many other things that I considered maybe just part of my past. Childish was my thinking, because though the drawing, painting, etc., brought me some comfort and inner peace, I had no validation. Let me explain ~ I dated a man for eight years (and lived with him from the time I graduated High School ten years ago until I turned 25, which was just over five years ago). He was not exactly what one would call supportive. He laughed at my singing so the music stopped. He "didn't get" my poetry, so I quit writing. He said the jewelry I made looked cheap and gawdy, so I ended my obsession with gemstones. He thought my attempts at art were humorous, so I gave that up too. I quashed my creative self, stifled my true soul, and lived in misery. I can't entirely blame him of course; we were both very young and thought we were in love, and I didn't exactly have good role models for what a relationship should be, so I thought the sacrifices I made for Dave were justifiable in that they "proved my love" ~ I know now that is ridiculous. (Side note: While I do sometimes get lonely and sometimes half-heartedly wish I were in a relationship, I am truly more happy and at peace with myself now than I ever was in that particular relationship, and my relationship with Dave was pretty much the only serious one I've ever had, so I don't have any comparison, thus I don't ever get so lonely or lovelorn that I would wish myself back in that type of relationship... if that makes sense).
Now, back to my creative self. I am trying to reconnect. I am trying to improve myself, to improve my life, to be a better mom, to learn to handle stress and anxiety and anger in a more constructive manner, to lean on the Lord as my comfort and provider... and to take better care of myself. My sudden desire to sketch, which I haven't felt in ages, makes me think that perhaps something which has been missing is my creativity, and I need to get it back.
Please feel free to critique any sketches I post in my album. While I do the sketches because I enjoy doing them, I am also interested in what others' opinions are. I am especially interested in Lori's opinion as an artist... and as someone who is on the Purpose Driven Life journey. I would like to continue to explore some of my interests, and I'd also like to improve myself in the process (just don't be too hard on me, realize it's been years since I've drawn and I'm feeling a little vulnerable... if you have criticism, please try and be positive and make it CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, PLEASE)!!
In other news... I have had a few almost full-blown anxiety attacks this week and I'm feeling exhausted. I'm not sure what's going on, except that maybe it is nervousness surrounding the fact that I am trying to get help for the problem. I think maybe I am having the attacks because part of me, the irrational, anxious part, believes I will never overcome this & that's really a scary thought, if I let myself dwell on it.
The truth, I know, is that I will overcome the anxiety. I may never fully escape it, but it will not rule me. I have faith.
Philippians 4:13:
For I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need.
Good night and God bless. 6/1/2006 Blogwalking...Everyone's been so busy; I didn't realize how far behind I was! That'll teach me to spend too much time blogging and too little time blogwalking! Ah well, I needed to get some things off my chest. This is a great place for that (sorry if it becomes a little tiresome sometimes).
I was also able to vent a bit at work today ~ I have awesome co-workers. We try not to spend too much time on gripes and such but we do share & it helps lighten the load. Also, we laugh so much!! and that really helps.
I was given a giant mushroom by one of the therapists today. It lay on the floor next to my chair until I accidentally ran it over with my chair - oops! Mushrooms are so cool. This one wasn't edible, it was a big flat-on-top gray-brown thing with a whitish stem/stalk-whatever the bottom is called on a mushroom. I asked of a couple of the therapists (neither of whom got it) whether it would make me bigger or smaller if I took a bite. They both just looked at me like I'd gone 'round the bend & said "Don't eat it!! It might be poisonous!" Hahahaha They didn't seem to understand why I laughed, either. Am I the only person who remembers Alice in Wonderland??!
Mom's still at the hospital. Haven't talked to her nor will I, probably. She told my stepfather, he said, that she doesn't want visitors while she's there. So I'll respect that.
I am finding I need this time away too, really. I get sucked into all the drama going down in other people's lives (especially my family's) way too easily. I tend to have a problem with co-dependency and need a kick in the butt now and then to knock me off my normal unhealthy path and make me at least try to fly right for awhile. Oh it's tough!! I've been through enough counseling that one would think I'd have it figured out by now...
Junior enjoyed her day at the daycare, with all those other little munchkins. And we had a nice evening together minus the crazy bickering at my mom's house, so that was a good thing. It was a fun night.
Now, I should really get to bed. I didn't realize it was this late & I have to work my li'l-over-12-hour shift tomorrow... so good night & God bless! 4/20/2006 Another Day...Yesterday was such a gorgeous day, we went to the park and played hard. We took the dog & she even played with us on the playground equipment. We learned she doesn't particularly like slides. It was a fun day.
We got to spend some time with my friend, Amy, also. I haven't had a chance to talk with her much lately, so that was really nice. We stayed up way too late. She brought me a disc of photos (several of which I've put in an album on my space, as there were a lot from when Meaghan was born & when she was a baby). Also on the disc are photos from a couple of trips she's taken & we had fun looking at those. It was a nice night.
I'm back to work tomorrow, and Meaghan's not happy about it, but I have explained to her that it's just for one day & then we have a weekend. She's still not thrilled, but she'll get over it!
Saturday we have a soccer game to attend, and my 9-year-old niece has been playing for the past 3 years, so I'm looking forward to seeing her play again. She's pretty aggressive and she can really run, so it should be fun to watch.
Okay, I guess that's about all. Not a whole lot happening. I feel good today, counting my blessings and loving my life. This week off has been so refreshing! 4/8/2006 Writer's blockI tried to write a poem about the birdsong and sunshine outside this morning, and the love of Jesus inside my heart, and just being full, content, but the words aren't flowing very smoothly. So I will run along now and share laughter and the joy of this spring day with my child and perhaps later I'll be unblocked. Have a blessed day. Clap for the Weekend (to be sung to the tune of that old "Clap for the Wolf-man" song)It's Friday, almost Saturday, and I am just so thrilled the week is over. I am keeping my fingers crossed that maybe I'll not be quite so clumsy this weekend as I was all week... tomorrow my big plan is to stay home and clean the pigsty
 Hopefully I don't break anything in the process!! And if I do, I may have to cross the rollerskating off my to-do list for Sunday, can't much afford to break anything on the bod, it's gotta last me awhile!Not much happening, I'm pretty boring. I wonder whether or not the folks for whom I sort of started doing this blog thing have made their way here to see the pics of the child & etc. I suppose I should call my father this weekend and ask... he lives in another state, and I thought this would be a good way to keep in touch, but maybe not. I do have a couple of friends who don't live near me, though, who have wandered through ... so much easier to share photos this way.
Okay, I'm off to bed. Maybe I'll stay up late & watch a movie tonight - I borrowed The Fog & Saw from my brother weeks ago and still have not watched them... and he would sort of like them back, I suppose!!
Oh, one more thing - the girls (my child & my nieces) watched Little Orphan Annie yesterday and fell in love with it. I think that's so funny, how some movies are just timeless. It's very cute to hear them talk about the movie at dinner (well, I think it's pretty adorable listening to the two little ones talk about anything, they're such little PEOPLE and have so many thoughts and ideas in their little heads).
Okay, Okay... Good night. Have a marvelous weekend  3/12/2006 Blahmood:
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