I'm getting married on September 5th... and expecting my second child on November 27th.  I have a busy fall and winter ahead of me!

There are times I feel I must be the worst mother ever.  Most times, actually... I so often feel I must be doing nothing right with her.  The tantrums she throws remind me of a person possessed... she is often so angry and says such hurtful things.  Why does a six-year-old behave that way?  She complains that I don't buy her enough stuff or give her money... while I bust my butt trying to provide for her... and I know it does no good to try reasoning with a child, but sometimes I lose my presence of mind that tells me not to bother, and try explaining things to her... usually that ends in her telling me she hates me, or accusing me of not loving her.

 

Someone, please tell me this is just a phase.

 

It is so close to Christmas and only through the generosity of some very sweet people do I have a gift from Santa for my little "angel(?)" - and at this point I am wondering whether I should even give it to her!!

 

I hope you are all having a wonderful winter so far, keeping warm and safe.

 

Merry Christmas all.

Not such a Christian move, I'll give you that.

 

Where do I even start?  Back in July, I met Ben.  Broke up with Chris, who was still living in ND and whose divorce was still not final...

 

Ben moved in with us in August.

 

I know it's not a Christian way to live.

 

At any rate, here we are, sort of a family... me, Meaghan, Ben, Cooper (Meaghan's dog), Rambo (a cockatiel we got right after Ben moved in because a co-worker found him flying around outside and no one claimed him) and Eddie (a gecko Ben just got from a friend who moved out of state).

 

I guess we shall see how things progress.

 

I hope everyone is well & have a Happy Thanksgiving!!

I had a scare Sunday, my daughter, who is now 6 years old, fell off a paddle boat and I didn't realize she is as strong a swimmer as she is, so I panicked and jumped in the water with all my clothes on to "rescue" her.  It turned out she didn't need rescuing.  That child is so tough.  She asked if we couldn't just stay and swim some more since I was already soaked.  Unfortunately, I was a little freaked out, and in no mood for swimming, so we went home.

 

Other than that it was a pretty good weekend.  I watched chick flicks with one of my favorite girlfriends Friday night.  Saturday was a lazy day.  Sunday, after the water scare, I went to some friends' house and we had a bonfire.  Overall, not a bad weekend.

 

Hope everyone's well =)

So the weekend is here again.  The brakes went out on my van, so I will be trying to get a ride home to pick up clothes for me and the urchin and get Cooper and his crate, then a ride to my mom's house, where we will be spending the weekend.  The van is to be fixed on Monday (it is good to have a brother who is a mechanic).  Until then, I am relying on others - something that has happened frequently in the past few years.  I have bad carma!!

 

I had a thought - okay so I think too much - but I was thinking about how for so long I prayed for patience, and every time I prayed I was faced with another challenge.  I think in the past couple of years I have become more patient, but that virtue is being tested again.  I am in love and eager to be with Chris, but he is currently stationed in North Dakota - a thousand miles away from me.  We plan to be together hwen he is transferred back to Michigan - or if he is transferred elsewhere, I plan to move.  We don't know yet when that will be though, so my patience is being further tested. 

 

On the heels of that thought, last night, came some random observations about the fact that I worry toooooo much.  It seems the more I worry, the more "bad" things happen.  I need to learn to pray better and more, and give my worries up.  I need to lighten my own load and realize there is only so much I can do... beyond that, what is the point of worry?  Does it solve anything?  Not really... and it makes me nauseous and raises my blood pressure.

 

So now... I am working on being patient and on not worrying so much.  It is a task, for sure. 

 

Anyhow, wishing y'all a marvelous weekend =)

It is Wednesday.  The week is half over; the year is half over...

 

My New Year's resolution in 2007 was to meet (as in, meet in person) at least 12 new people.  I think I met at least 13 or 14, several of them people I actually "met" online.  It was quite an adventure, and a few of those I met have become pretty close friends. 

 

For 2008 I have challenged myself to meet 6 new people.  So far I have met:  Lin, Mike, Missy, Chris, and Courtney.  Am I forgetting someone?  I don't think so but part of me thinks that I have already met that goal.  My other resolution for the year is to submit something for publication.  I haven't begun to do that yet.  My first step was to borrow the 2008 Writers' Market from the library.  Wish me luck with that one.  I don't care whether I get published.  I just want to take the chance.

 

What else is new?  I no longer have my cats, they have new homes.  Now I have a puppy (actually he is Meaghan's, he was a birthday gift).  His name is Cooper and he is adorable but a handful.

 

I still do not have internet at home.

 

And I still want to meet a zillion people and introduce them all to each other =)

 

Oh and my writers' group fell apart but I am thinking about starting another.

 

I guess that is it.  God bless; hope all's well!

I went on an actual vacation to North Dakota from May 26-June 3.  It was much-needed and very relaxing.  I stayed with a friend of my sister's, Chris, with whom she worked when she was worked in Flint.  He's a great guy and she introduced us in March.  After meeting and spending some time together, I think we're both pretty smitten and we're trying the whole relationship thing.  I haven't had much luck with it up until now... and he was married for 15 years - his divorce is final late this year.  So I guess we'll just see what happens.  Hopefully he will be able to transfer back to Michigan in the near future.  He is stationed in Grand Forks, ND, right now.

 

Work is okay.

 

Haven't been writing much but I'm working on a series of nude fairy sketches, so that is keeping my creative juices flowing.

 

I also haven't had as much time to spend with friends lately and I miss them!! 

 

Meaghan's done with kindergarten; she is such a smart kid and she is also getting so tall.  She is going to tower over me when she is a teenager, I'm sure.

 

I guess that is all.  I hope everyone's well!

wow, it's been awhile since i've used this site.  i'm just not online much these days.  i hope everyone is well!!

as usual my feelings and my trust have been misplaced, but it's all good.  i just go with the flow and i'm feeling okay now.  i don't do regrets so i'm just moving on.

i hope anyone reading this had a happy new year celebration... i spent mine with family, playing board games.  pretty uneventful.

not much else happening.  the second writers' group was last friday... my friend gentry and her friend boyd and i met for a few hours and read and talked... it was good.  and i'm still writing like mad so i am sure i won't run out of material for the group.

since not a whole lot else is going on... i guess i'll share some of my more recent stuff.

not as beautiful

healing through shedding

    blood and clots of myself

    tears saltier than the sea

    and another layer of trust

each layer peels back to reveal

    another tougher than the one before

    a skin of doubt and cynicism

    each thicker than the last

spirit won't break but it's scabby now

    trying to get over it

    forget the tears and the

    loss of trust and innocence

with each heartache and misery

    see the soul heal wholer

    than it was when it was tender

    but not half as beautiful.

                                                            (written 12/28/06)

because i wanted you

i felt something the very first time

you closed your eyes and your lips touched mine

in darkest night exchanging heat

our two hearts sounding just one beat

superficial maybe at the start

but then i let you into my heart

 

in moments stolen of time you lied

such sweetness to keep me at your side

and i believed because i wanted you

i wanted the illusion to be true

 

your hands in my hair, mine very still

my eyes locked on yours trying to will

your heart to feel what was in mine

longing to cease movement of time

i believed your words and every touch

i could have loved you so very much

 

in moments stolen of time you lied

such sweetness to keep me at your side

and i believed because i wanted you

i wanted the illusion to be true

 

your kisses made me feel so wanted

their memory now leaves me haunted

and i recall each word you said

lying together on your bed

i thought you were special for a time

i sought to make you want to be mine

 

in moments stolen of time you lied

such sweetness to keep me at your side

and i believed because i wanted you

i wanted the illusion to be true

 

i hurts to know it was just a game

time wasted thinking you felt the same

if my heart break could make you cry

i would reveal it with goodbye

but since you have no feelings at all

you'll not see the tears you caused to fall

 

in moments stolen of time you lied

such sweetness to keep me at your side

and i believed because i wanted you

i wanted the illusion to be true

 

i foolishly allowed myself to trust

with lies you turned blind believing to dust.

                                                                (written 12/29/06)

weep awhile

still a little dulled today

spirit mirrored by a sky so gray

listlessness settles upon my shoulder

and suddenly i'm feeling tired and older

just recently soul and flesh were afire

burning up with mad desire

but now the fire's cooled to freezing

and i'm so cold i'm shivering

somehow yet it will all be fine

i'm just borrowing heartache, it's not really mine

i'll weep in anger and hurt for awhile

maybe tomorrow will bring a reason to smile.

                                                                      (written 12/29/06)

it wasn't love (i just misunderstood)

with good intentions the road to hell is paved

maybe you lied to spare me pain

i don't know whether i'll ever know

or whether i'll see you again

because what's happened feels like hell

and your heart is already taken

i can't believe a word you said

and it wasn't love we were making

 

no it wasn't love but it sure felt good

it wasn't love, i just misunderstood

and it's crazy and so unwise

but i'd overlook your pack of lies

to just go back to the way we were

before i ever knew about her

 

with looks of longing and a sweet embrace

you lured me to your side

your kisses were sweeter than any i've known

the entire time you lied

and it's sad to know i would

stifle my hurt and run back again

for awhile it felt so nice

though it wasn't love we were making

 

no it wasn't love but it sure felt good

it wasn't love, i just misunderstood

and it's crazy and so unwise

but i'd overlook your pack of lies

to just go back to the way we were

before i ever knew about her

 

i'm not waiting for the phone to ring

but if you call and want me i'll go

because you still have a piece of me

and i'm not ready to tell you no

although what has happened feels like hell

and your heart is already taken

and i can't believe a word you said

and it wasn't love we were making

 

no it wasn't love but it sure felt good

it wasn't love, i just misunderstood

and it's crazy and so unwise

but i'd overlook your pack of lies

to just go back to the way we were

before i ever knew about her

                                                               (written 12/30/06)

new year's eve heartache

alone in the rain on new year's eve

smoking my last cigarette

my mind tells my heart not to care where you are

and i don't mind that i'm getting wet

i'm trying hard to stop thinking

but my thoughts keep drifting to you

i need some help on this lonely night

help to think about something new

now i tell my mind to stop

and beg my heart to cease what it feels

my soul is tired, my spirit weak

i hope this hurt soon heals.

                                                          (written 12/31/06)

i guess that's all i have that is remotely worth sharing at the moment.  again, happy new year.

can't kiss

my tears are your punishment

for a crime you didn't commit

their salt burns my open wound

i hurt more than i will admit

and you're not sure what to do

i don't really know what to tell you

maybe you should know a bit about me

you can't be sweet and gentle and we can't kiss

because i'm trying to avoid feeling

and when you touch me i think of one i miss

i'm trying so hard to be tough

forget gentle hands and just be rough

and when we're done don't look at me

don't believe my tears are for you

you haven't hurt me but i've hurt myself

by believing in someone untrue.

*******************************************************

trying to play

it's just a game, it's just a game,

but it's not fair to play this way,

i can't be stuck in the middle or on the outside,

won't give my heart to one who's lied -

trying hard to play again,

even though i may never win

this foolish game with all the pain,

enough to drive a girl insane.

i wonder sometimes why i try,

wonder if it's worth the tears i cry,

but i won't quit, i'm still in,

trying to play at love again.

*****************************************************

unshared splendor

yesterday dusk was teal

(dark like a storm

but air mild

    especially for december)

  at that moment when

  darkness begins to settle

        like a quilt

over earth

        (and before stars glitter)

i almost called you

to share the wonder of the beauty

    -had almost dialed your number

     when i recalled

        you have forgotten me

(so i enjoyed the splendor alone)

******************************************************

dulled

association with a dirty life

how quickly it stole my shine

i fought tears unsuccessfully yesterday

and that old, cold numbness is my enemy today

i don't know how but i won't let it win

somehow i'll find a way to shine again.

does a heart heal whole after it's been broken?

and can a lonely heart forget promises unspoken?

i suppose i may never know

but i'm getting good at this letting go.

***************************************************

some choices

i look around myself and see

a world of opportunity

i can either choose to sit back

and try to simply ignore that fact

or take a stand and decide to try

regardless of the tears i'll cry

 

i understand the restlessness

that makes you long for what you might miss

all too often that feeling's so strong

i can find nowhere to belong

no place eases the painful desire

to live faster and fly much higher

 

i look inside myself and know

my tattered soul has room to grow

each experience, for better or worse

helps set the heart a particular course

every gift i receive and every gift i give

is the risk i embrace in order to live.

I hope this finds everyone well.  I am still blogging & sharing poetry on my MySpace... but still have no internet at home, which is a bummer but not really a huge deal.  I've made some new friends and have been spending lots of time with my friends.  It has been a welcome change!!

 

On 12/22, two friends and myself are starting a writers' group which will be meeting at my house every Friday evening... I hope it goes well & if you or someone you know is a writer in the West Michigan area, please drop me a line if you're interested in joining the group.

 

Take care & God bless.  Happy Holidays.

i don't really know why... but i've started blogging on myspace... actually i do know why... i'm feeling a bit differently these days.  edgy, nervous, restless... in need of change... tinged with apathy... i'm too old to feel this way.

 

http://www.myspace.com/karen_leo75

there it is, a link to myspace.  the blogging is a bit grittier, so if you like me nice and sweet avoid it.  if you like me human... check it out.  i've been posting lots of poetry and have been a tad self-obsessed and annoying (sorry).  i have also been trying hard to get out and just live more rather than live here, in my safe haven... it's not been easy and i'm shedding tears but it's life, it's life and i must be in it or at least try.

 

i'm sorry i haven't been blog-walking.  when the restlessness passes i will return to that path... until then i hope all is well & send my love & warm wishes as the cold winter approaches.

 

if you'd like to get in touch with me while i'm away from the blogwalk please feel free to email me:  karen_leo75@hotmail.com or karen_leo75@yahoo.com

 

take care & happy october.